Things that the DA aren't allowed to do
by Anime-Rosalie
Summary: The remaining members of the DA-Harry, Ron, Hermione, Luna, Neville, Ginny, Colin, and Dennis-find a list entitled 'Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts'. They attempt to pull off the list, enough said.
1. The DA's new mission

AN: This story takes place in an alternate version of Harry's sixth year. Remus is DADA professor, and Snape still teaches potions. Dumbles is still alive/not dying etc.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own anything you recognize.

Chapter 1: The DA's New Mission

"I assume you are wondering why I called you here tonight." Harry Potter yelled from atop his Tide soap box.

"YEAH!" The crowd consisting of Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, Colin Creevey, and Dennis Creevey roared.

"WE HAVE A NEW MISSION: ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF THE PROFESSORS WITH THIS LIST!" Harry produced an extremely long list from inside his robes.

The crowd could read the heading: "Things I am _**NOT**_ allowed to do at Hogwarts".

"Why, we'll get detention, and lose house points…" Hermione trailed off.

"Kill the non-believer!" Harry shouted.

Neville complied, summoning a pitchfork and attempted to stab Hermione.

"Never mind Neville, we'll convert her yet."

"Hermione, this is my last year to have fun, 'cause next year, I have to deal with my destiny. Besides, everyone knows that we'll win the house cup anyway."

"The house cup is also a suck up cup." Luna said dreamily.

Hermione spluttered but said no more.

"Great, let's get crackin'."


	2. We are NOT allowed to hold DE meetings

Chapter 2: We are NOT allowed to hold Death Eater meetings in the Great Hall

The staff of Hogwarts was baffled, never in the history of Hogwarts was the Great Hall ever closed for a meeting, especially one that didn't involve the staff.

"Albus, do you think we should enter?" Minerva McGonagall asked the headmaster.

"Yes Minerva, but we must proceed with caution." Albus Dumbledore replied.

They (Dumbledore, McGonagall, Snape, Flitwick, Lupin, and Sprout) entered the hall. What they saw scared them. It was Voldemort and his Death Eaters. The professors instantly tried to confront the Death Eaters, but when they got too close they were thrown back.

"Now that my guestssss have arrived, let's give them a show." 'Voldemort' commanded, hissing his S's.

Two PINK Death Eaters emerged on stage. They were wearing white masks, their pink robes and were carrying…microphones? 'Bellatrix Lestrange' and 'Lucius Malfoy' walked to the center of the stage and started to sing as 'Peter Pettigrew' played the theme of _The Phantom of the Opera. _

Bellatrix:  
In sleep he sang to me  
In dreams he came  
That voice which calls to me  
And speaks my name  
And do I dream again?  
For now I find  
The phantom of the opera is there,  
Inside my mind

Lucius:  
Sing once again with me  
Our strange duet  
My power over you  
Grows stronger yet  
And though you turn from me  
to glance behind  
The phantom of the opera is there  
Inside your mind

Bellatrix:  
Those who have seen your face  
Draw back in fear  
I am the mask you wear

Lucius:  
It's me they hear

Bellatrix/Lucius:  
My/Your spirit and my/your voice  
In one combined  
The phantom of the opera is there  
inside my/your mind 

More Death Eaters emerged again wearing pink and carrying microphones.

Chorus:  
Is that the phantom of the opera?  
Beware the phantom of the opera

Lucius:  
In all your fantasies you always knew  
that man and mystery

Bellatrix:  
Were both in you

Bellatrix/Lucius:  
And in this labyrinth  
Where night is blind  
The Phantom of the opera is here/there

Bellatrix:  
Inside my mind

Lucius:  
Sing, my Angel of Music!

Bellatrix:  
He's there,  
the Phantom of the Opera . . .

Bellatrix/Lucius/Chorus:

LONG LIVE THE DARK LORD!

"Thank you my loyal Death Eaterssss, Lord Voldemort is pleased." Lord Voldemort called from his arm chair in front of the stage.

"Come on, it's not like you're actually pleased." Spat the bound figure of Ginny Weasley.

"SILENCE WENCH! CRUCIO!" Voldemort released the curse after a minute or so and he resumed his seat.

"Wormtail! Have a Death Eater mail the Evil Overlord List to new recruits!"

"You heard the Master! Go boy!" Pettigrew ordered a small Death Eater grunt.

"Now my Death Eaters; show our guestsss your new marksss that prove that you are the highest ranking followersss of the new and improved Dark Lord Voldemort!"

As one the remaining Death Eaters rolled their right forearms to show a smiley face burnt into their flesh.

"Smiley faces are really scary." Ginny said sarcastically. "Seriously, Baldie, Voldy, whoever the bloody hell you are, you were so better off with the old mark."

When no one retorted Ginny continued, "First off, you are so lazy that you need followers to get things done. Secondly, you are so ugly that you could be used as the 'before' on Muggle cosmetic commercials. Third, what are you, a terrorist, Soviet or a Nazi? Finally, your eyes are red. Dude, get a life and buy some _Visine_."

"Are you finished?" Voldemort asked coldly.

"You could be nicer to my dad you know." A new voice, a female one came from beside the arm chair.

"Moldy-Voldy has an illegitimate love child?" Ginny asked incredulously.

"I prefer the term 'Dark Princess' if you don't mind." Ginny gaped at her, speechless.

"This meeting of the Death Eater High council is adjourned!" Voldemort yelled and the entire area "poofed" and disappeared, leaving only a banner behind.

The banner declared:

'You got punk'd by the DA! Harry Potter does not own the DA; he is simply borrowing Dumbledore's Army.'

Every single professor was furious. Harry Potter pulled that prank, and it wasn't very funny.

~Meanwhile in the Room of Requirement~

"That was totally wicked!" Dennis told Harry.

"You were awesome as the new Death Eater Dennis!" Colin praised.

"Colin you did a good job of imitating the Greasy Dungeon Bat!" Ron declared, causing Colin to blush.

"Ron, you made a very good Lucius Malfoy. I didn't know that you could sing." Hermione admitted.

"'Mione, you made a fantastic Bellatrix and you have a wonderful singing voice." Ron blushed.

"Harry, you made a better Dark Lord than Voldemort himself. Neville you made Pettigrew look good, and that's almost impossible. Luna, I'd believe that you were a Dark Princess any day." Ginny complemented her friends.

"Um, Ginny I didn't hurt you when I Crucio'd you, right?" Harry asked nervously.

"I didn't feel a thing. Although, I gotta admit, I'd make a good actress." Ginny replied.

"Harry, how'd you pull that off?" Hermione asked.

"Simple, I said the word 'Crucio' and shot red sparks at Ginny." Harry replied nonchalantly.

The group then began to plot their next prank…

Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize.

AN: That's the end of the first "official" chapter! I happen to have 800 ideas on what not to do at Hogwarts, some I'm going to use others I won't. If you happen to have an idea, please let me know and I'll try to include it in a future chapter.

Thanks,

A. Rosalie


	3. Severus Snape does not love Remus Lupin

Chapter 3: Severus Snape does not love Remus Lupin

"HARRY POTTER!" Professor McGonagall yelled.

Said scruffy boy went to Prof. McGonagall, and followed her to her office.

"I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."

"Potter, I have a banner with your name on it." McGonagall snarled.

"Hmm…must've been a set up 'cause me and my pals were with  
Mama T the whole time." Harry pointed out.

"Mama T?" McGonagall hissed.

"Professor Trelawney of course,"

McGonagall spluttered. "I'll be inquiring about your location. Get out of my sight!"

Harry smirked as he walked out of the office. He held up a walkie-talkie and said to group on the other end; "All clear, proceed to lunch and commence operation SSRL."

Harry arrived in the Great Hall and sat down with the DA, including Luna, at the Gryffindor table. Both of their targets were eating when a brown barn owl flew in—during the wrong meal. The owl flew directly to Snape, and offered him his leg. Snape removed the letter and the owl took off. As soon as the owl was gone, the letter started to speak:

_My dearest Sevvi-kins,_

_You know you can stay the night the next time you bring me my "special" potion._

_Only you make the full moons bearable. _

_Love always,_

_Your Wolfie_

The entire hall was silent. Snape looked murderous and Lupin looked horrified. Just as Snape got up to hex the werewolf, another owl flew in this owl had a letter and a package for Lupin. As soon as the owl took off, the chorus to _Hungry like the Wolf_ played. When the chorus ended, the letter opened itself and read to the silent hall:

_My perfect werewolf,_

_Enclosed is a present for you during your time of the month. _

_This should help with the itching._

_Forever my love,_

_Sev_

Then the present opened itself and the gift fastened around Lupin's neck.

"My, Severus you seem to have out done yourself. A pink rhinestone flea collar." 

"Oh. My. God. You two are actually a couple?" Harry asked incredulously, before bursting out laughing.

"NO! WE ARE NOT A COUPLE!" Both professors shouted.

Snape and Lupin hopped the table and started to advance on Harry.

"Um…Nice doggy?" Harry stuttered before yelling, "RUN!"

The DA and Harry sprinted out of the hall and up to North Tower, avoiding the murderous Dungeon Bat and Werewolf.

"Mama T! We've just escaped!"

"Our plan worked!"

"Did you enjoy the show?"

"Of course I did. Close-circuit crystal balls are wonderful inventions." 'Mama T' said in a normal—not mystical—tone.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize

AN: Yay! End of the second chapter. An alliance between Trelawney and the DA will be interesting. The "me and my pals" bit is supposed to be like that. The grammatical error was intentional. Again, if you have an idea, let me know and I'll try to use it.

A. Rosalie


	4. Get a ROOM!

Chapter 4: Get a ROOM!

Harry and Draco were staring each other down…Again…In the middle of the Great Hall…Again.

Colin Creevey walked behind Harry and said loud enough for the entire hall to hear, "Oh, just kiss him already!"

Dennis joined his brother and declared, "Get a room!"

"That was exactly what I was thinking." Luna said dreamily, before wandering off.

Both boys sat down, blushing. Lunch ended and class resumed.

Both boys, to their horror had _Potions _next. Luna, being Luna, some how found herself outside of the Potions classroom. The class entered and Luna found herself sandwiched between Draco and Harry.

"You know boys; I approve of yaoi, and would like to see some." Luna's plan worked and both boys shrieked and ran to opposite sides of the classroom.

Both Ron and Hermione were bickering as usual when Snape strutted in.

"WILL YOU TWO EVER SHUT UP?!?! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR BICKERING!!! SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET A DAMN ROOM!!" Harry shouted.

"Language Potter! Fifty points from Gryffindor!" Snape snarled.

"JUST SHUT UP YOU GREASY DUNGEON BAT!"

Ron and Hermione looked at each other before shouting, "GET A ROOM!"

"DETENTION! POTTER! WEASLEY! GRANGER! MALFOY!"

~Detention~

The four students entered the classroom where Snape was waiting for them.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor…Each. Also, twenty points from Slytherin."

All four—even Malfoy—glared at Snape.

"You two are here because of the phrase 'get a room'." Snape indicated Ron and Hermione.

"You are here because I don't like you and your foul language." Snape told Harry.

"You Mr. Malfoy are here because you epically failed your house's decorum by arguing with a Gryffindor and making a complete fool of yourself in front of the entire school. Therefore, I get to punish you in front of your house mates, instead of in private."

"You two will write for me 'I will not tell others to get a room' until I tell you to stop." Snape barked at Ron and Hermione.

"Mr. Malfoy, you shall write 'I will not make a fool of myself in public' until I tell you to stop."

'Potter, you shall be scrubbing cauldrons while singing the 'I love you' song from Barney and Friends."

"Now, GET TO WORK!" Snape bellowed.

Snape smirked in vindictive pleasure and he watched the three students begin their lines and Potter sing and scrub. Good thing he owns a video camera.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize

A/N: That's the end of the third official chapter. Expect sporadic updates as real life does get in the way. I will strive to at least post a chapter a week. Please send me your ideas.

A. Rosalie


	5. Peeves

Chapter 5: Peeves

The DA was in the North Tower again, this time trying to figure out their next move. Their inspiration came as a particular poltergeist flew through the trapdoor. After several glances, Harry came to a conclusion.

"Peeves, let's make a deal…"

It was a Saturday evening, and it was way too quiet when it was compared to the week prior. The first thought on anyone's mind was what was going to happen tonight? The castle's occupants were enjoying their dinner when Professor Trelawney sprinted into the hall, reminiscent of Quirrell in Harry's first year.

"POLTERGEIST!" Trelawney shouted before tripping over her ridiculous shawls.

"Mama T!" The DA shouted as they rushed to their ally.

The Slytherin table erupted into laughter. The doors of the hall slammed shut as Peeves the Prefect soared in. Peeves was armed with Dungbombs, several portable swamps, Weasley's Wild Fire Wizz-Bangs, several paint ball guns, and he was wearing a Prefect Badge stolen from Ernie Macmillan.

"Peevesie thanks his new suppliers for all the wondrous goods Peeves has received."

"Peeves, I command you to leave the Great Hall at once!"

"Naughty, naughty Dumbledory. Peevesie has his own badge so Peeves no longer has to listen to you!"

All hell broke loose.

Peeves decided that the hall needed to be redecorated. So he open fired with his paintball gun on anyone and everyone. Soon, the DA joined him, pulling out paintball guns and firing at each other. After a while, Peeves got tired of the mayhem and zoomed out of the hall, but not before dropping a box of Weasley fireworks.

"HARRY POTTER AND COHORTS, MY OFFICE NOW!" Dumbledore roared.

"Yes, my Liege."

The DA hoisted their paintball guns and marched military style out of the hall singing;

"We're off to see the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.  
You'll find he is a whiz of a Wiz! If ever a Wiz there was.  
If ever oh ever a Wiz there was The Wizard of Oz is one because,  
Because, because, because, because, because.  
Because of the wonderful things he does.  
We're off to see the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz!"

Disclaimer: Clearly I don't own anything but the plot (or lack there of).

A/N: Sorry about the late update but I essentially had to take a big test that took a whole week. About the Snape punishing Draco thing, I think that Slytherins are punished worse that the other houses because their goal is to not get caught. If they did get caught doing something that embarrasses himself/herself and/or their house they would be punished at the next available opportunity. Please send ideas!

-A. Rosalie

Here is the list of all of the ideas I have used so far:

(Modifications are marked with an *)

I will not give Peeves a paintball gun – Courtesy of: bullriding lover

21. I will not ask Lupin if it his time of the month.

25. I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.

30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

31. I am not allowed to wear death eater robes to dinner and shout long live Lord Voldemort because I think it's funny.

38. I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone it's the new Dark Mark.

44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.*

68. I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.

88. Peeves may not countermand any professors' or prefects' orders.

95. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."

103. Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums".*

104. -Neither does he respond favorably to "Sev" or "Snapey-Poo"*

140. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of the Opera.

142. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.

147. I will not refer to Professor Lupin as a nice doggy.

158. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".

170. I am not to ask if Lord Voldemort is secretly a Nazi or a terrorist.

172. I will not dye the Death Eaters robes pink.*

173. Humming/singing/referring in any way to Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is inappropriate. It's best not to bring up "Thriller", either.

182. I may not have a private army.

183. -Not even if it technically belongs to someone else.

189. Portable Swamps are not funny. Neither are Weasley's Wild Fire Wizz-Bangs.

208. While it is appropriate to refer to Voldemort as "Master" while in his service, Voldemort and The Master are not one and the same.*

270. I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin.

271. I will stop asking Professor Lupin exactly what goes on between him and Professor Snape when he brings him the Wolfsbane potion every month.

277. I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard!' when sent to the Headmaster's office'.

306. I am not Voldemort's illegitimate love child.*

326. Providing Peeves with a case of Dungbombs was a socially irresponsible action, and I will not do it again.

368. Voldemort does not wish to appear in a Visine commercial.*

369. -Or as the 'before' for a line of cosmetics.*

372. Calling Voldemort "Baldemort" is inappropriate.*

397. Coming up behind Harry while he and Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!" is not funny.

398. -Even if Luna Lovegood does say, "Yes, I thought so too."*

421. I will not sneak up behind Draco and Harry while they are in their Staring Snarky Yelling Matches and yell, "SLASH SLASH SLASH! LET'S SEE SOME SLASH!"*

497. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to get a room every time they start fighting.

498. -Nor will I say this to Harry and Snape.

499. -Or Harry and Draco.

513. I won't dress up in a black robe, wear a bald wig and tell people that I'm Voldemort.

555. I will not tell Voldemort that he's too freaking' lazy to do stuff himself.


	6. Flying Fords: Part 1

Chapter 6: Flying Fords: Part 1

The castle was quiet, too quiet. Especially when you consider all of the pranks pulled the past few days. It was breakfast Monday morning, but Harry Potter and his cohorts were no where to be found. Actually, they hadn't been seen since the school wide Muggle Studies Project had been announced on Friday.

The first classes of the day were starting, and Professor Severus Snape was going to his first class, which ironically happened to include the Boy-and-Cohorts-That-Lived-To-Annoy-Him. Snape walked up to his classroom and noticed that they were all standing outside his classroom.

"Well, what are you all doing?" Snape barked at the sixth years.

"But sir, the classroom is locked!"

"It's very simple, Mr. Thomas, you turn the knob and enter."

"No, seriously Professor, it's locked."

"Move then. Five points from Gryffindor for your stupidity."

Snape walked up to the classroom door and tried to open it. The door didn't budge.

"Alohamora!" Snape waved his wand.

Nothing happened.

After five minutes of trying every unlocking spell known to man kind, a notice appeared.

_We are sorry for the inconvenience, but this classroom is off limits._

_Please re-locate your classes to another part of the dungeons._

_Thank you._

"Classroom -18, now move!" Snape growled.

After the class was re-located to the new classroom, Snape assigned an essay, barked at them to get to work, and returned to his former classroom. Deciding to be polite, he knocked. A head of bushy hair opened the door and greeted him.

"Hello Professor Snape, please come on in." Hermione Granger let him into his own classroom.

The classroom no longer looked like a classroom. First of all, there was a giant white sheet covering half of the classroom and all of the desks were shoved together. Then he realized that Hermione Granger, teacher's pet extraordinaire, was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, skipping class and hanging out in HIS classroom.

"Why aren't you in class Miss Granger?"

Granger giggled. "Well, I'm just working on our Muggle Studies project."

Then Luna Lovegood came out from behind the curtain carrying what seemed to be blueprints and a pot of coffee.

"Thanks Luna." Granger poured herself a cup of coffee.

"Would you like some, Professor?" Lovegood asked him.

"No thank you, Miss Lovegood." Snape said stiffly.

The two girls were looking over the blueprints when a loud conversation started behind the white sheet.

"Faster, Harry!" The voice of Ginny Weasley rang out.

"I'm going as fast as I can! I don't want to hurt you!" Harry Potter yelled back.

"I don't care! I need you to move faster!"

Potter growled. "Nev! I need your help! Get up here and help me!"

"Ginny, are you sure? I don't want to hurt you." Longbottom's voice was unmistakable.

"Merlin, Neville! Yes, I need you! Don't worry about hurting me!"

"What about Ron?"

"Don't hurt my sister!"

"I don't care what my brother sees! I need you now!"

There was a loud crash and three unmistakable cries of 'Yes!' The crash shook Snape out of his stupor.

"Potter, Weasley, Longbottom! Out here, NOW!"

The trio walked through the sheet and stood before their Potions Professor. Snape was shocked to see that they were fully clothed. He had expected messed up hair, backwards clothes, etc. Instead he got a trio of teenagers that were covered in what looked like engine grease and other forms of grime. He did notice that the Weasley girl had a cut on her hand that was bleeding profusely, something that Potter picked up on immediately.

"Gin, why didn't you tell us that you cut yourself? We should have gone slower!"

"Don't worry Harry, it's just a cut. Besides, the thing's in now, so no worries."

"You wanted to see us, Professor?" Longbottom cut off the bickering pair.

"I just wanted to make sure that you weren't doing something I could expel you for."

"Well, we must be working on our project, so good day Professor Snape." With that, Harry Potter shoved him out of his own classroom and locked the door behind him.

Snape shook his head. He would never understand Gryffindors.

"Okay guys, we're clear." Other students emerged, which included Ron, Dennis, and Colin.

"Thank god that the Greasy Dungeon Bat didn't hang around and ask questions."

"Gin, are you OK?"

"For the last time, Harry yes I am! It's just a scratch. It could've been way worse considering what we were doing."

"Fine," Harry grumbled.

Hermione unrolled a blueprint, pulled out paint swatches, and a time-turner.

"Gin, Nev, Ry, the time-turner is yours. We only have one so please don't break it. Dennis, Colin, Ron, you guys get the paint job. Did you finish the chrome?"

Ron replied with a curt "Yes."

"Luna, you and I get the upholstery." After receiving a nod from the blonde, the group split and started their projects.

Friday arrived and it was time to reveal the Muggle Studies projects. Severus Snape looked around the Great Hall at all the projects students had created. The majority were baking soda volcanoes and microwaves. They weren't very creative at all. Snape glanced at Dumbledore, who was currently being amused by a gumball machine. At least Potter's project ought to be…_unique_.

"Think of the devil and he shall come." Snape muttered.

At that precise moment, the hall's attention was attracted to a red speck in the distance. The speck grew larger, and it crashed into the windows. The glass didn't shatter; instead it seemed to become transparent as the red object passed through. The red thing turned out to be a car, specifically a car that used to look like a certain Ford Anglia.

Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, and Ginny Weasley were all in the red convertible Ford, with Ron Weasley at the wheel.

The car landed on the dais that the staff table used to occupy. Two smaller students hopped out of the car. They happened to be the Creevey Brothers.

Harry Potter stood up and declared, "We have completed our project, and now present to you the Time-Traveling Gryffin-Claw!"

Harry reached over and spun a time-turner mounted to the dash. Just before the time-turner activated, Harry grabbed a red shirt and chucked it at Remus Lupin. He made a V-like symbol with his hand and shouted, "Live long and prosper!" just as the car and its inhabitants disappeared into the time stream.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the original list(s) of Things I'm not allowed to do at Hogwarts. I'm simply borrowing them for my (and your) entertainment.

I do own whatever wacky situations I create from said lists.

A/N: I know, I haven't updated in a while, but school is out now so maybe I'll update quicker. Anyway, this chapter will actually have multiple parts, so I'll be working on those. Please leave me any ideas that you have and I'll try to use them. They can be from any era, Canon, Marauder, Riddle, etc. Thanks for the reviews,

~A. Rosalie


	7. Flying Fords: Part 2

Flying Fords: Part 2

The Time-Traveling Gryffin-Claw landed in the Great Hall. The DA ended up in Hogwarts, but had absolutely no idea what year it was. Harry being the brave—or stupid—one, stood up.

"What year is it?"

"I have absolutely no idea who you are or where you came from but I can tell you that it is the year 1976." The reply came from an armed Albus Dumbledore.

"Dearest Dumbledora, my old friend!" Harry leapt from the car and tackled Dumbledore with a hug.

"Just who the bloody hell are you people?" The voice of a young Sirius Black asked angrily.

"I'm you." Harry replied slowly, as if speaking to a small child.

"There is no way in hell that you're me!"

"You're right. I'm not you, I'm him." Harry points at James Potter.

Sirius shrugs. "I can believe that one."

With that, Sirius plopped back down on the bench and resumed eating.

"Padfoot! You're supposed to defend my honor! Not agree with the kid in the strange…Thingy."

"Seriously James, 'thingy'?" Sirius drawled.

"Yes, thingy! I haven't a clue as to what it is so it's a thingy."

"IT'S THE TIME-TRAVELING GRYFFIN-CLAW!" The DA shouted.

"Ah, so you're time-travelers. What year are you from?"

"19, 19, 1985!" Harry sang.

Hermione whacked Harry upside the head.

"You moron! You were four years old in 1985!"

"What, I was just singing a song!"

For that comment, Harry was whacked upside the head, again.

"Hey, that's abuse! Someone call the Aurors!" Harry shouted.

Harry earned himself three slaps, one each from Hermione, Ginny, and surprisingly, Luna.

"Oi! That's abuse!"

"Shut up and take it like a man, Potter!"

The hall gasps.

"Harry? Harry? HARRY?" Ron stumbles as he backs away.

"Here no longer Harry Potter is. Hatty is. Punish you most painfully for your naughtiness Hatty will." Harry's voice went from male to female. Clearly, Hatty was Harry's homicidal side which happened to be female.

Ron screamed as Hatty? Harry? Summoned wet pool noodles. Hatty started to beat him with the noodles.

Ron started shrieking in pain.

"Sins you confess! Confess! CONFESS!" Hatty screeched.

"I started World War II!" More gasps were heard in the hall.

"I gave birth to Voldemort!" Screams and shudders resounded in the hall.

"That's not possible!" One lone voice yelled.

"I wear pink underwear." Ron sobbed.

"Good are you, Naughty-Boy. Most pleased is Hatty." Hatty grinned evilly.

"So guys, what did I miss?" Harry asked.

The entire hall just stared at him.

"What? Is there something on my face?"

"Harry, Hatty took over." Hermione whispered.

"Oh. So you guys just met my female homicidal Slytherin side. Who'd she attack?"

"Ron."

"Okay. What did she attack with?"

"Pool noodles."

"Wet pool noodles." Ron amended.

"That's not too bad. She could've summoned something much worse."

"What could've been worse?"

"She could've summoned a guillotine, scythe, barbed wire, bull whips, medieval flails, a noose or something."

More stares from the hall.

"Dearest Dumbledora, we are from the year 1996. We travel through time using a time-turner as a flux capacitor. It rotates every half hour on the half hour. Until we meet again." The DA piled into the former Ford Anglia.

"Wait!" Neville found a red shirt and held it up.

"Which one of you is the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor?" A professor stood up. Neville chucked the tee and sat down just as the DA disappeared into the time stream.

Meanwhile in 1996

Severus Snape and Remus Lupin were in the fetal position, rocking. They were both muttering to themselves.

"Every half hour…"

"…On the half hour."

Disclaimer: You recognize it, I don't own it.

A/N: End of Flying Fords Part 2. I have no idea how long this series will run but I already have a part three in mind. Hatty was created through a typo and I decided to keep her. Anyway thanks for the reviews. Please send me any ideas you have, specifically anything involving time travel.

~A. Rosalie


	8. Flying Fords: Part 3

Flying Fords: Part 3: The Founder's Riddle/How the Death Eaters got their name

{} = Parseltongue

The Time-Traveling Gryffin-Claw was traveling through the time stream accompanied by an awkward silence.

"So…How 'bout that airline food?" Harry said, trying to break the awkward silence

"Um, Harry? Why aren't you concerned about Hatty?" Hermione asked timidly.

Harry shrugged. "Hatty has always been a part of me, so I don't worry about it."

The awkward silence resumed.

"Oh look, there's our portal." Ron declared as he drove the car through a wrinkle in time.

Dumbledore's Army arrived in the Great Hall again, this time with a different headmaster sitting in Dumbledore's chair.

"Hello, what year are we in?" Luna asked cordially.

The guy sitting in Dumbledore's seat—who wasn't Dumbledore—blinked. "1942."

"We are Death Eaters, and we come from the future to enslave all of those who are unworthy to study magic." Harry added.

"You're all heirs of Slytherin?" A younger Dumbledore asked incredulously.

"Well I don't know about them, but I am the Heir of Slytherin. {Enemies of the Heir Beware}" Harry hissed.

Gasps were heard throughout the hall, speaking Parseltongue was the mark of an evil wizard.

Meanwhile, a sixteen year-old Tom Riddle was writing in a certain Diary. He had just finished a list.

1. Create a new name. (Lord Voldemort)

2. Establish ideals. (Pure-Blood Supremacy, Separation of Magical and Muggle worlds)

3. Gain Power. (I own Slytherin)

4. Find seven objects for Horcruxes. (Ring, Diary, Founders objects, Familiar)

5. Make seven Horcruxes. (Ring, Diary…)

6. Gain followers. (Malfoy, Nott, Crabbe, Goyle, Avery, Rookwood, other Slytherins…)

7. Name followers. (Death Eaters)

Tom Riddle chuckled silently. Oh how those pathetic Mudbloods and Blood Traitors would cringe in fear at the mere mention of his name and the name of his followers. Death Eaters indeed.

As Tom was finishing his list, the "Death Eaters" hopped into their time traveling car and re-entered the time stream.

"Harry, why'd you call us Death Eaters?" Ginny asked.

"So I can tell Tommy-Boy that I named his followers."

Neville chuckled darkly. "Can you imagine Trixie's face when she hears that?"

"Who's Trixie, Neville?" Ginny asked.

"Bellatrix Lestrange." Neville spat.

"Oh." Ginny replied awkwardly.

The awkward silence resumed.

"Oh look, there's our portal." Hermione called out casually.

Ron grunted and directed the former Weasley car through the gap.

They landed in a clearing surrounded by a forest. In the center of the clearing was the start of a medieval castle. Almost instantly, the former Weasley car was surrounded by two witches and two wizards.

"Who are you?" A tall man with auburn hair and a matching beard asked in Latin.

The time-travelers blinked and turned to Hermione.

"Honestly…Harry, say something in Parseltongue. I have a feeling that I know where we are."

{Um, I'm Harry Potter and we are from the future…} Harry trailed off uncertainly.

The other wizard, the one with long black hair and goatee, looked up in interest.

{You speak the language of snakes as well?"}

{Yeah, I don't know how though because I'm not a direct descendent of Salazar Slytherin. Must've been some kind of ancient magic…or something…}

The black haired man blinked again.

{You do realize that I am Salazar Slytherin, correct?}

"Oh damn. Hermione, you were right. I'm talking to the Salazar Slytherin." Hermione looked extremely pleased with herself.

Harry turned to Salazar again. {Do you speak the tongue of English?}

Salazar appeared perplexed. {No}

{Would you mind if I performed a spell that allows you and your companions to speak English?}

{Why not translate your tongue into our tongue, Latin?}

{That would require a Latin spell, and personally, Latin and I don't mix.}

{Very well, perform your spell.}

"Changus tonguss Engliss!" Harry shouted and a blue light engulfed the four founders.

"Salazar, what the bloody hell just happened?" The auburn-haired man (Godric Gryffindor) asked.

Godric was immediately whacked upside the head by a blonde woman and a brunette.

"Godric, control your tongue! There are children present!" The blonde chided.

"Forgive Godric, he doesn't think before he speaks. I'm Helga Hufflepuff by the way." The blonde—Helga Hufflepuff—explained cheerily.

"I am Rowena Ravenclaw, and you've already meet Sal." The brunette known as Rowena Ravenclaw added.

"Um, what year is it?" Neville asked calmly.

"The year of our Lord 1303" Salazar replied.

"Harry, what if we can't get back? What if we're stuck here forever?" Hermione started hyperventilating.

"Hermy, calm down. No one is getting stuck in the past. Besides we made sure that we had a fail safe before we operated the Time-Traveling Gryffin-Claw, so calm down." Luna soothed.

"Spoken like a true Ravenclaw, Luna."

"Are you related to us in some way?" Rowena asked.

"I don't think so, but we could always ask the goblins when we get back."

"What year are you from?"

"1996,"

The founder's jaws dropped.

"How is that possible?"

"How'd you get here?"

"What's it like?"

"Are we still getting hung or burned at the stake for our magic?" Salazar asked.

The future kids looked at each other in surprise.

"First off, we outfitted my dad's old car with a time-turner. Then we completely rebuilt the engine and supercharged it." Ron explained.

"We gave it a magical fail safe. Before we even tested the car, we split the time line, so if we were to get stuck in a particular time and got stuck there, we could merge our subconscious with doll look-a-likes and live the rest of our lives in the dolls' bodies." Luna continued.

"The future is problematic. We have a psychotic Dark Lord running around killing people. You know what the best part is though? I get to be the one to kill him." Harry told them, somewhat sarcastically.

"Muggles and wizards have been separated, well most Muggles have no idea that magic exists. The only exceptions to this rule being the Muggleborn and those raised by Muggles." Hermione's information seemed to strike a nerve in Salazar.

"So Muggles still taint our society, even in the future…" Salazar spat.

"If I may ask Salazar, what is your problem with Muggles?" Hermione inquired.

"They caught my wife Selene and my nine year old daughter Stella performing magic and executed them. They were both low on magic when they were caught and couldn't save themselves. I was out of town and couldn't save them." Salazar spat bitterly.

Hermione ran to Salazar and gave him a hug.

"Not to be rude or anything, but who are you?" Godric asked.

"I'm Harry Potter."

"Neville Longbottom,"

"Luna Lovegood," 

"Ginny Weasley,"

"Ron Weasley,"

"Hermione Granger, and yes, I'm a muggleborn."

"Sal, I totally get why you don't like Muggles, but what in Merlin's name would possess you to put a BASILISK in a school full of children?"

Just as Salazar was about to answer, a loud pop alerted the group to another's presence.

"Who called Merlin?" A Dumbledore look-a-like (Merlin) asked.

"Er, no one did. How can you understand us?"

"I'm a speaker of tongues, boy. If that is all…" When no one answered him, Merlin popped away.

"Was that seriously—" Ron asked uncertainly.

"Yes, yes it was."

"To answer your question, Harry, I have not placed Hazel in the school yet, because it hasn't been finished yet. Why do you ask?" The other three founders looked shocked.

"In 1942, Tom Riddle used her to attack muggleborns. In my second year (1992), someone reopened the Chamber of Secrets and released the Basilisk. It was Tom Riddle again but he possessed Ginny though his old diary. I was forced to fight it. All I had was a Phoenix and the Sorting Hat, he took my wand. I pulled the Sword of Godric Gryffindor out of the Sorting Hat and stabbed the basilisk thru the roof of its mouth where one of its fangs pierced my arm slowly killing me."

"How did you survive?" Helga asked.

"Phoenix tears."

"How old were you?" Salazar asked bluntly.

"Twelve."

"So, my question is why was a basilisk there in the first place?"

"I'm putting Hazel there to protect the school in case the Muggles find us."

"Sal, why didn't you tell us?" Rowena asked.

"Simple Row, what could be a better weapon than a basilisk, which is not only enormous, but highly poisonous as well. Add to that that it can kill you if you look it in the eye."

"Or petrify you if you look at it indirectly." Hermione added.

"Hazel is the perfect weapon, if we are discovered then all we have to do is let her loose and she will kill our enemies."

"What about her life-span?" Godric asked.

"I killed her in 1992, if that answers your question."

"Who teaches you?" Rowena asked.

"Like what house we're in?" Hermione clarified.

Rowena nodded.

"Well, I could've been a Ravenclaw, but the Hat decided that I should be in Gryffindor." Hermione informed them.

"I'm a Gryffindor." Ron said.

"I'm a Gryffindor too." Ginny added.

"I should've been a Hufflepuff since I'm a hard worker, but the Hat put me in Gryffindor." Neville said shyly.

"I'm a Ravenclaw." Luna declared dreamily.

"I should have been a Slytherin, but I talked the hat out of it and instead it put me into Gryffindor." Harry braced himself for the explosion.

"WHAT!"

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?"

"How could you keep this from us?" Hermione asked quietly.

"I knew that you would all flip out, especially Ron."

Ron just stood there, gaping.

"Well, I'm glad that three of you have some common sense."

"What's that supposed to mean?" All of the Gryffindors (minus Hermione and Harry) yelled indignantly.

Salazar's lip curled. "Simply that most of Ricky's students are recklessly brave. Not a bad trait, but a trait most hazardous to one's health."

"Sally, what did I tell you about calling me Ricky?" Godric growled.

"To not to," Salazar smiled innocently. His smile wavered when he realized what Godric called him.

"What. Did. You. Just. Call. Me?"

Godric smirked. "Sally,"

"Ricky!"

"Sally!"

"Ricky!"

"Sally!"

"Ricky!"

{What's going on here?} A new voice hissed, interrupting the arguing duo.

{Nothing, my little Sapphire. Just entertaining some time travelers.} Salazar hissed back.

{It sounded like you and Ricky were arguing again. Wait a second. Time-Travelers? Daddy, can I please go with them? I promise I'll be really good.} The girl, Sapphire begged.

{We'll see, little one.}

{I take it that she's your daughter?} Harry hissed quietly.

{Of course she is.}

{Oh, please can I go with the Serpent-Speaker, Daddy?} Sapphire gave Salazar the puppy-dog eyes.

Salazar sighed. {Oh very well, but if my daughter comes back to me harmed in any way, shape or form, I will personally string you up in the dungeons, castrate you and remove your entrails one by one with my bare hands and feed them to Hazel.}

Harry paled and gulped. {I will not let any harm come to your daughter.}

Salazar grinned. {Good boy.}

Sapphire giggled.

"OI! Would you stop with the snakey-talk!" Ron yelled at the two Slytherins and Harry.

All three laughed.

"That was incredibly entertaining." Sapphire declared in English.

"YOU CAN SPEAK ENGLISH?"

"Of course. It's one of my gifts. I can understand any language as long as I have heard it."

"Oh…That makes sense."

"Guys, we have three minutes before the car starts time-traveling without us." Neville said, looking at the Time-Turner on the dashboard.

"Sapphire, if you're going with us, hop in the Time-Traveling Gryffin-Claw."

The other time-travelers hopped in, and were waiting on Sapphire Slytherin.

{Love you, Daddy. Tell Silas what happened and where I went.}

{Silas will miss his little sister. I love you too, my little Sapphire.}

Salazar hugged his daughter and placed a kiss on her forehead. Sapphire smiled and hopped into the former Weasley car. Just as the car disappeared into the time stream, Salazar hissed a final goodbye.

{Come back to me, my little Sapphire…}

The Time-Traveling Gryffin-Claw whizzed past many timelines and eventually landed in 1976 again.

"Do you want to say goodbye to your parents again?" Ginny asked quietly.

Harry shrugged. "I just want to wreak more havoc. Oh, Sapphire, I'd advise not speaking Parseltongue in our times. Most people view it as the mark of a dark wizard."

"Why?"

"Most of the known people that speak Parseltongue were either clinically insane or trying to take over the world." Luna said matter-of-factly.

"Ah…" Sapphire went back to staring at the time stream.

The portal dumped them out in the Great Hall again. Just as the time-travelers landed, Harry whispered to Sapphire. "You see that man with the huge nose and greasy hair? I want you to go over to him and call him 'Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles'. Then go over to the sandy-haired kid in between my look-a-like and the red head and call him 'Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles' Super-Secret Sexy Lover'. Can you do that?"

Sapphire smirked. "Absolutely,"

Sapphire walked up to Severus Snape, and loudly declared, "Greetings, Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles from the Mushroom Kingdom! I'm Sapphire!"

"What the—" Sapphire bounced off to go bug Remus Lupin.

"Hi, Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles from the Mushroom Kingdom's Super-Secret Sexy Lover! They call me Sapphire, whoever they are!"

Sapphire returned to the car, leaving a bewildered Remus behind her.

"Wow, Remy-kins has been holding out on us! You're Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles from the Mushroom Kingdom's Super-Secret Sexy Lover! Congrats, Remy on nabbing the Greasy Dungeon Bat as your Super-Secret Sexy Lover!"

"Stuff it Sirius! I'm not with Snape, nor will I ever be!"

"Whatever you say, Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles from the Mushroom Kingdom's Super-Secret Sexy Lover." Sirius grinned.

"You're never gonna let me forget this, are you?" Remus sighed.

"Nope, Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles from the Mushroom Kingdom's Super-Secret Sexy Lover,"

"SIRIUS!"

"BLACK!"

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Remus and Severus shouted simultaneously.

"NEVER! Mr. and Mrs. Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles from the Mushroom Kingdom!" Sirius yelped and tore out of the hall, Mr. and Mrs. Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles from the Mushroom Kingdom right behind him.

The entire hall laughed.

"I believe that we have gotten what we came for." Harry declared as he and the rest of the time-travelers got back into their car and drove into the time stream.

1996

The Time-Traveling Gryffin-Claw finally arrived in their current time.

The hall went silent at their reappearance. Sapphire spotted Severus Snape and Remus Lupin.

"Hi, Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles from the Mushroom Kingdom and Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles from the Mushroom Kingdom's Super-Secret Sexy Lover! It's Sapphire again!"

Severus and Remus looked at each other, screamed and ran pelt-melt out of the hall. The hall looked at Sapphire.

"What? All I did was say hi."

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

A/N: I'm super sorry about the lack of updates and because of that, you get a super long chapter, a whopping eleven pages. My computer needs to be sent in for repairs, I've had writer's block, and school restarted. So, this was the final part of the Flying Fords Saga, and I hope you enjoyed it. The whole Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles from the Mushroom Kingdom ('s Super-Secret Sexy Lover) was the reason why Snape and Lupin were comatose in Part Two. Sapphire added the "From the Mushroom Kingdom" bit, despite the fact that Harry didn't tell her to say it.

Question: Can anyone tell me where I got the "Mushroom Kingdom" bit? I know where I got it from, but do you know where I got it from?

Thanks for the reviews!

–A. Rosalie


	9. Bothering Snape and Halloween

Chapter 7: Bothering Snape and Halloween

It was Halloween, a day for tricks and treats and causing mayhem. Mayhem is of course what the DA does best.

It was nearing the end of the Halloween Feast when Dumbledore stood up and announced,

"Before we adjourn for our toasty beds, we have a couple of skits from Harry Potter and Dumbledore's Army!"

With a flick of his wand, Dumbledore rearranged the hall, moving the Staff Table to the back of the hall, in front of the door. Which left the raised dais, where the staff table usually sat, empty.

Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Neville, Luna, and Sapphire walked up to the dais.

"Well, we're Dumbledore's Army. Other members would include the Creevey Brothers but as they are currently occupied, it's just us tonight."

"Nice army, Potter!" Draco Malfoy laughed.

"We'll see who's laughing at the end of the night, Malfoy." Harry's voice was ominous.

"Now the first skit we'll be doing is called 'Bothering Snape'. Since we've already cleared this with the Headmaster, Professor Snape can't give us detention."

Harry and Ron remained as they are but Neville and Sapphire changed their looks. Neville changed his hair to white, grew it out, grew a beard to match and changed his robes to an obnoxious purple. Sapphire shortened her hair, made her nose swell to the size of a bird beak, made her eyebrows bush out so much that they formed a unibrow, and transfigured her robes to look bat-like.

The lights went out, and a spot light shined on Harry and Ron, revealing that they were the only ones on the stage.

Harry: I'm Harry Potter.

Ron: And I am Ron

Harry: Let's go bother Snape.

Ron: Right-o

Sapphire: I am Snape, the Potion's Master.

Harry: Ready, let's go bother him!

Harry and Ron: [randomly hit Sapphire] Bother, Bother, Bother,

Sapphire: Argh!

Harry and Ron: Bother, Bother, Bother,

Ron: Woo-hoo that was fun!

Harry: I like the part where he stops moving.

Awkward pause

Ron: Let's go do it again!

Sapphire: Oh no

Harry and Ron: Bother, Bother, Bother,

Sapphire: Stop!

Stop it!

Harry and Ron: Bother, Bother, Bother,

Sapphire: Avada Kedavra!

Sapphire: oh dear.

Neville: Hello, Severus.

Sapphire: Um, I can explain Sir.

Neville: What's this?

It seems young Harry and Ron are taking an afternoon nap. [Sapphire sneaks off]

Let's see what they have in their pockets.

Neville: Alas! Nine sickles and a dungbomb. This must be my lucky day. Now, where did Snape go? More importantly, where the hell am I?

[Neville looks around, and transfigures his robe into pale peach robes (i.e. Dumbledore's skin tone)]

Neville: NAKED TIME!

[Awkward dance]

Harry, Ron, Sapphire, and Neville (still in his peach robes) bowed to the hall, which was thundering with applause and laughter.

Luna walked up and announced, "Our next skit is called 'Trouble at Hogwarts'." Luna glided off the stage and the lights went out.

Harry: Hogwarts is great! It's the best place in the world!

Ron: Yes, Hogwarts is so much fun!

Hermione: I love to learn.

Harry: I love magic!

Ron: I love you, Harry.

Harry: Um…

[Neville enter wearing his purple robes]

Neville: I've got bad news, kids.

Harry, Ron and Hermione: Oh no, what is it?

Neville: The Dark Lord Voldemort is attacking the school!

Harry, Ron and Hermione: What will we do?

Neville: I don't know.

[Scene Change]

Luna: Hahahaha! Now Hogwarts is mine!

Sapphire: I am Snape, the Potions Master, I must stop you.

Avada Kedavra! [AK fail]

Luna: Hahaha! Avada Kedavra! [Hits Snape, looks like a Crucio]

[Scene Change]

Ron: Follow the butterflies, follow the butterflies, whee, lalalala

Hermione: Ronicus Explodicus!

[Ron's head is blown off and lands on the Gryffindor table]

[Scene Change]

Hermione: Here he comes!

Ron: Screams [runs off stage]

Luna: It's time to die, for you!

Harry: You can't do this!

Luna: Oh yes, I can!

Avada—

Harry and Hermione: Wait!

Luna: What is it?

[Harry and Hermione run off]

Hey! Blast!

[Ron runs in]

Ron: Bother!

[Ron runs out]

[Scene Change]

Hermione: What are we going to do?

Harry: There's nothing we can do. We're finished!

Ron: Wait a minute! I have a plan!

[Scene Change]

Luna: Oh children, where are you?

Harry: We're over here.

Luna: Well, here I come.

Ron: Wait! We're a little more to the right.

Luna: Oh? Here?

Harry: Almost.

Hermione: That's right.

Luna: I can't see any body.

Ron: Alright! Shoot him!

[Shoot Luna with Machine Guns]

Ron: Die! Die! Die!

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Yay!

Sapphire: What's going on in here?

Harry: Snape, you're alive!

Sapphire: So it would seem.

Ron: We love you Snape!

[All: Hug Snape]

Sapphire: Hey! What the?

Oh you kids, I love you too.

Now please get off me.

Ron: No!

[Neville joins the hug in his peach robes]

Neville: Alas a cornucopia of love!

The End!

Snape is laughing so hard he fell off his chair, sputtering, "Dark Lord…Machine guns." Snape regains control of his motor functions and takes his spot.

"50 points to Gryffindor and 50 points to Ravenclaw!" The hall looks at him in shock.

"What? Anyone who is stupid enough to write a comedy on how to kill the Dark Lord deserves the points, considering that they'll be dead when He finds out."

Luna walks up, still dressed like Voldemort. "Our final skit needs no introduction or title. We will, however, need five minutes or so to prepare."

Luna walked back on stage. "We are finished, but you should all know that this was a Halloween that happened fifteen years ago, on a night quite like this. This skit is not funny in the least."

Snape was horrified. It was THAT Halloween. He wanted to leave so that none would see his tears. Lupin, probably coming to the same conclusion, had the same look on his face.

"You will not be permitted to leave this room until we are through." Snape felt a breeze of cold air on his face and realized that the Lovegood girl had casted a glamour on him so that he wouldn't have to leave. He assumed that she had done it to Lupin too, since he now looked more relaxed.

Luna walked off the stage

[Harry, dressed as Voldemort with his hood up, walked on stage and turned onto a corner with Godric's Hollow on the sign]

{The students finally realized which Halloween this was, and were moving anxiously}

[Harry entered a gate and walked up to the cottage, casting an Alohamora on the lock]

[Neville, glamoured as James, ran into the hall, wandless]

Neville: Lily! Take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off!

[Harry laughed Voldemort's high, cold, cruel laugh]

{The Hall shivered; it was like Voldemort was in the room with them}

Harry: Avada Kedavra!

[Neville falls to the floor, dead]

[Harry steps over Neville and goes up the stairs]

[Ginny is holding baby Harry, shielding him]

Ginny: Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!

Harry: Stand aside, you silly girl…

Stand aside, now…

Ginny: Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead…

Harry: This is my last warning —

Ginny: Not Harry! Please . . . have mercy . . . have mercy. . . . Not Harry!

Not Harry! Please — I'll do anything —

Harry: Stand aside. Stand aside, girl!

[Ginny didn't move]

"Avada Kedavra!

['Harry' looked at Harry with interest]

Harry: Avada Kedavra!

[Harry drops dead and the lights go out]

{The hall gasped; even after all that begging, he wouldn't spare her child}

Harry walked on stage, face unglamoured, but still dressed like Voldemort.

"And you wonder why I don't like Halloween, my fame or Dementors." Harry spat.

The DA popped away, leaving no trace.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

Potter Puppet Pals belongs to Neil Cicierega.

The last skit can be found (sort of) on pages 343-345 in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

A/N: HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

I know the ending was predictable, but it works well. I think I balanced it out with Potter Puppet Pals though. I don't know when I'll update again as I am rather busy this month. Yes, I do know that I suck at up dating.

Question: Can anyone tell me where I got the "Mushroom Kingdom" bit?

Answer: Super Mario Bros or Youtube Poop would be acceptable.

~A. Rosalie


	10. Aftermath and Howlers

Chapter 8: Aftermath and Howlers

November the first was a like entering a nightmare that started at breakfast. An eagle owl swept in and landed in front of Harry Potter. It bore a red envelope.

Harry smirked and opened it.

"HARRY JAMES POTTER! HOW DARE YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT KILLING ME, THE GREATEST DARK LORD THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN! DO YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD POSSIBLY KILL ME WITH A MUGGLE MACHINE GUN? I SHOULD THINK NOT! I AM LORD VOLDEMORT, NOT SOME MUNDANE HERO WORSHIPPER! I CAN'T BE KILLED BY THE LIKES OF YOU! AS TO THE THIRD PART TO YOUR…PREFORMANCE, I DO HOPE THAT YOU PORTRAYED YOUR PARENT'S FEAR CORRECTLY, AS WELL AS THE FACT THAT YOUR FATHER WAS A GRYFFINDOR TO THE END, ATTEMPTING TO TAKE ME ON UNARMED. YOUR MOTHER, HOWEVER, DIED PROTECTING YOU, POTTER! HOW DOES IT FEEL TO KNOW THAT YOU GOT YOUR MOTHER KILLED?"

The Howler exploded; showering the hall with flaming debris. For some reason, Harry was laughing, while the rest of the hall was screaming. Muttering something to Ron and Hermione about "returning a favor", Harry left the hall laughing like Sirius Black.

[Somewhere evil]

Lord Voldemort was sitting on his bone throne, awaiting his owl, Venom. Venom returned with a Howler. Flicking his wand, the Howler delivered its message.

Harry Potter's angry voice rang through out his base.

"**Your mother is a** *beep beep beep***ing***beep***lorem ipsum***beep beep beep***admiumvenium***beep beep beep beep***turolagulio***beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep* **hippopotamus***beep beep beep beep beep beep* **Republican** *beep beep beep* **Daniel Radcliffe** *beep beep beep beep* **with a bucket of** *beep beep beep beep* **in a castle far away where no one can hear you** *beep beep beep beep beep beep* **soup** *beep beep beep* **with a bucket of** *beep beep* **Mickey Mouse** *beep beep* **with a stick of dynamite** *beeeeeepppp* **magical** *beep beep beep beep* **ALAKAZAM! **YOU FLOBBY WANDED DEMENTOR BOGGERER!"

The Howler didn't explode when it was done though. Voldemort then noticed the scrap of parchment tied to Venom.

HAHA! You thought it was going to explode! This particular Howler was charmed to be indestructible as well as charmed to go off at 3 AM regardless of where you are.

Lots of Love,

Harry

Harry skipped and giggled the rest of the day, even through Potions, even when Snape kept him after class.

"What, pray tell is the reason you are skipping and giggling?" Snape drawled.

Harry giggled then said with a straight face, "The Dark Lord won't be happy for a very long time."

Snape sighed. "Do I even want to know?"

"Let's just say that I returned the favor and that the more he tries to stop it, the worse it gets." Harry skipped out of the room.

[Somewhere evil: 3 AM]

"DAMN YOU HARRY POTTER!"

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or the Elder Swear or other wizard swears.

A/N: Ha! Two in one day! Did you know that breakfast and unibrow aren't considered recognized words by spell check?

**Lost in the Lies,**

Simply put, the red shirt is a Star Trek reference. It's a symbol for cannon fodder, meaning that you really don't want to be the guy wearing a red shirt—usually that means that you are going to die. Giving red shirts to DADA teachers is like marking them as cannon fodder, (Quirrel; dead, Lockhart; memory removed, Lupin; sacked/fired, Moody; locked in a trunk, Umbridge; trampled by centaurs).

~A. Rosalie


	11. Hogwarts meets Sapphire Slytherin

Chapter 9: What happened when Sapphire Slytherin came to Hogwarts

After her rather dramatic entrance the night before, Sapphire was in a relatively good mood that morning.

"Hello everyone," She called cheerily to the rest of the DA sitting at Gryffindor table.

Ron groaned a "Mornin' Sapphire," before resuming his breakfast. Hermione, appalled at Ron's antics and lack of manners, smacked him upside the head and started to pester (lecture) him about his manners.

"Honestly Ronald, will you ever learn to use any form of human manners?"

Ron looked at Hermione, showing off the partially chewed food in his mouth. "No,"

"You disgust me." Hermione left the table, nose high in the air and clutching a piece of toast.

"Well, that was entertaining." Sapphire muttered dryly before taking Hermione's vacant seat.

Harry shrugged. "It happens almost every morning."

The pair watched Ron, who resumed acting like a human vacuum cleaner now that Hermione left. Ron was inhaling his eggs by the dozen and eating bacon by the pound.

"That's just gross. I think I lost my appetite." Sapphire paled.

Harry paled and nodded. "I think I just did too."

Both Harry and Sapphire got up and raced to the door. Ron didn't even notice that they had left. The duo sprinted down the corridor, booked it up the main staircase, turned left down another corridor, and sunk down against the wall.

"I love my best mate and all, but I can't stand to eat near him on the weekends." Harry panted.

"I take it he only eats like that on the weekends?" Sapphire managed to get out through her gasps of air.

"Yeah, there isn't enough time through though the week with Quidditch, homework and detentions."

Sapphire giggled. "Detentions?"

"Well, I usually end up with more detentions than Ron does because Professor Snape hates me."

After seeing Sapphire's puzzled look, Harry added, "You know, the one I had you call 'Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles from the Mushroom Kingdom'."

"So his real name is Snape? It sounds a lot like Snap."

"Get this, his first name is Severus."

Sapphire giggled again. "I shall call him Professor Sevvie Snap."

Harry laughed. "The other guy you insulted was Remus Lupin."

Sapphire thought for a moment. "Quite frankly, I don't think I can do any better than Professor Remy Loopy-kins."

The pair laughed until they were interrupted by something tall, blonde and ferrety.

"Hey Potter, it looks like you finally got yourself a girl that can stand you; probably a stupid little Mudblood." Draco sneered.

Both Harry and Sapphire got to their feet; all traces of humor gone from their faces.

"What did you just call me?" Sapphire asked dangerously.

"A stupid little Mudblood," Draco smirked.

"That's what I thought. I will have you know that I am not a Muggleborn, I am Sapphire Slytherin."

Draco snorted. "Puh-lease, the Slytherins died out a couple centuries ago. You are just a wannabe Mudblood poser."

"Wanna bet, Drakey-poo?" Sapphire's grin was pure evil.

Sapphire pulled a locket from beneath her white oxford (which, funnily enough, belonged to Harry) and nearly shoved it up Draco's nose.

"Do you recognize this locket? My father, Salazar Slytherin had it forged for his wife, Selene Slytherin, before her untimely demise. I wear it because only a true Slytherin can remove or wear the locket. I dare you to try to remove it."

Draco snorted. "The locket of Salazar Slytherin has been lost for centuries. How do I know that you are not wearing a copy?"

"A copy can be removed. Shall we call other people and have them try to remove my locket? Will you attempt it or will you be a chicken?" 

"Seeing as it is most likely a copy, I see no reason not to try."

Draco reached and tried to unclasp the locket. It didn't budge, so Draco tried to break the chain. Sapphire choked briefly, but the chain wouldn't break. Harry growled at Draco. Draco, however, looked at the locket itself and paled. The emeralds set into the shape of a snake (or an ornate 'S') seemed to move in the light.

"Open it." Sapphire commanded.

Draco tried to open the locket but failed.

{Open} Sapphire hissed, and the locket actually opened.

{Believe me now?}

Draco looked at Sapphire in horror. Sapphire grinned, stole his Slytherin tie, and tied it around her neck.

"The next time you try to harm Sapphire I'll owl your sexy daddy and see if we can get him to use his pimp cane on you. So does us a favor, make like a ferret and bounce." Harry growled.

Draco 'eeped' and made like a ferret and bounced.

Both Harry and Sapphire chuckled darkly.

"Shall we go to the kitchens, my lady?" Harry joked.

"Let us adjourn to the kitchens, and fill our stomachs with pleasant refreshments, my good sir."

The pair linked arms and skipped to the kitchens singing the Smurf's theme song.

Eventually, Sapphire and Harry marched through the Great Hall (during dinner, of course), painted entirely blue (clothes being the exception), followed by blue house elves, and they were all singing the Smurf theme song.

"La la la-la la la, sing a happy song. La la la-la la la Smurf the whole day long…."

After thirty seconds of the Smurf song, Snape was banging his head on the staff table; and Lupin was close to doing the same. The other professors were holding up a little better, but little Flitwick was clearly insulted. The only professor that was enjoying it was Dumbledore, who was even humming along.

"HARRY JAMES POTTER! HOW DARE YOU TREAT HOUSE ELVES THAT WAY! I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED—" Hermione was silenced by a stunner from Harry.

He turned to the professors and explained. "If I didn't stun her we would all be treated to a speech on house elf rights by Hermione, and her speeches on freedom and rights go on for hours."

The entire Gryffindor table nodded solemnly, even Ron who had stopped eating when the commotion began.

"Um, you guys can go back to the kitchens now. Thanks for you help." Harry thanked the house elves and they all popped back to the kitchens.

Dobby was the last Smurf/house elf to leave. "It was not a problem, Master Harry Potter Sir." Dobby popped back to the kitchens.

At the utterly astonished looks on everybody's faces, Harry and Sapphire removed the enchantments that turned them blue collapsed with laughter.

"Sapphire Saraphina Slytherin, I thought that you were raised better than that." A ghostly voice echoed around the room.

As one, all the heads in the hall turned to see the ghostly form of the Bloody Baron rise from his spot at the Slytherin table and float over to join Sapphire and Harry.

"Little sister, I know Father raised you better than that. Why do you insist on embarrassing yourself and our family name?" The Baron raised a ghostly eyebrow as he reprimanded his little sister for her prank.

Sapphire rolled her eyes. "It's nice to see you too, big brother."

Sapphire smiled, but her smile faltered when she saw the ghostly chains her brother wore. "Silas, what did you do to earn those chains?"

Silas said nothing, but his eyes briefly flicked to the Ravenclaw table. The Grey Lady, Fat Friar, and Nearly Headless Nick joined the two Slytherins and Harry.

"You murdered Helena, didn't you, Silas?" Sapphire whispered.

The Baron barely nodded.

"How could you Silas? Helena was your friend!" Sapphire fell to the floor, crying.

"I did it for love." Silas rasped.

"Love?" Helena Ravenclaw snorted. "Killing me then killing your self out of love? I was happy to stay in that forest forever. You took me away from the only man I ever loved!" Helena cried.

Harry noticed that Nick was looking at Helena with sadness. The story finally clicked in Harry's head.

"That's how you died, Nick. You fell in love with Helena, Silas found out, had you killed, later tracked down Helena, killed her when she wouldn't leave with him, then killed himself in remorse. My only question is how the Friar is involved?"

After a brief pause, the Fat Friar answered his question. "I married Nick and Helena. When I was alive, my name was Harold Hufflepuff. I died by poison. To this day, I don't know who poisoned my blueberry pie."

"I did not have you killed, Friar." Silas muttered quietly.

After a brief pause Silas continued. "You would do well as a Slytherin, Harry Potter."

"Your father said the same thing." Harry grumbled.

"Silas, did I ever come back?" Sapphire asked quietly.

Silas looked at her solemnly. "Not soon enough to save his life. He was dying of a broken heart long before you left."

Sapphire started crying again, this time Harry tried to comfort her.

"Sapphie, it wasn't your fault that he fell on his own sword." Silas's hand passed through his little sister.

"Are you okay?" Harry asked quietly.

"I'll be okay, but I think I should visit Daddy more often." Sapphire smiled gently.

Harry helped her up off the floor.

"Wanna go visit our Smurfs?"

Sapphire giggled. "Sure,"

"By the way Potter, what did my father threaten you with in order to let you take Sapphire back with you?" Silas asked with a smirk.

{Castration, disembowelment, and being fed to Hazel} Harry answered dryly.

{Good for him}

Sapphire snorted while the rest of the hall looked confused.

"All right my lady, are you ready to adjourn to the land of the Smurfs?" Harry smirked and bowed deeply.

Sapphire curtsied back. "I am ready fair prince."

Harry took Sapphire's hand and together they skipped out of the hall.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Harry Potter or the Smurfs

A/N: Hello all! I'm really sorry about not updating, but I've been really busy. I am working on a holiday themed chapter that will cover Christmas and New Years.

I already know that my dates are off, considering Nick's Death Day in CoS was his 500th anniversary of his death, and the Founders created Hogwarts around the 900s. I know that the only two ghosts that knew each other were the Grey Lady and Bloody Baron, but I decided that having them all from the same time period would create a better back story for Sapphire.

As for Ron's eating habits, we all know that he likes his food and eats a lot of it. Harry is not gay and the only reason he referred to Lucius as 'sexy' was because he knew it would freak Draco out. I will not be pairing Sapphire with anyone from Canon as of now. More than likely it'll stay that way unless you all decide that you want me to.

-A. Rosalie


	12. Christmas and the New Year

Chapter 10: Christmas and the New Year

"Um, Houston, we have a problem." Ron jogged up to Harry, who was walking with Hermione and Sapphire, clutching a letter.

"Oh no, what is it?" The trio chimed simultaneously.

"The Dark Lord Voldemort is attacking Hogwarts." The trio was about to say their respective line, but Ron continued. "Mum won't let Sapphire come for Christmas."

"Why?"

Ron sighed. "Bill is bringing his girl friend, Fleur Delacour, who is bringing her parents and little sister so they can meet us, but Charlie is also coming back, so we can't have friends over. Mum's exception would be Harry, but personally, it's already going to be packed. You know Mum though, she'll just suck it up and act like everything's normal, when she is really stressed about the whole issue."

Hermione gasped. "Ron, you just spoke the most lines in this entire fan fiction!"

Harry, Sapphire, and Ron yelled, "Hermione just broke the Fourth Wall!"

"But that's beside the point. Point is, Gin and I have to go home, and so does the rest of the DA. What are you going to do, Harry?" Ron continued seriously.

Harry's lip curled in a manner reminiscent of Snape. "I'm going to wreak havoc with my favorite ancient friend."

Ron and Hermione exchanged a look. This so wasn't going to end well for the Parselmouths' targets.

December 25th:

Christmas saw Harry and Sapphire happily skipping toward the Great Hall for the feast. They burst into the hall, and screamed, "Happy Christmas!" before bouncing off to join the small round table of professors.

"Well, this is a nice change." Sapphire commented lightly.

The professors seemed nervous for some reason; maybe it was because Sapphire and Harry were the only two students left at Hogwarts or maybe they were waiting for something to explode.

"What?" Harry asked innocently.

"The pair of you has gone five minutes without blowing something up." Snape dead panned.

Harry rolled his eyes. "That was like, one time!"

Snape was referring to an explosion that happened to involve a bludger, swelling solution, Firewhiskey, and a box of ice mice. Thankfully, no one was seriously hurt, but Mrs. Norris was still singed in some places.

About halfway through the Christmas dinner, Lord Voldemort walked into the hall wearing a Santa hat on his bald head.

"Happy Christmas all," The Dark Lord called cheerily.

No one, save Harry and Sapphire, greeted him back.

"Now is that anyway to treat our guest?" Harry asked the table.

A few mumbled "Happy Christmas" to the rather festive Dark Lord.

"Do shut your mouth Severus, or you'll catch flies." Snape instantly shut his mouth, wondering if he was supposed to bow or something.

"No need for such formality here," Voldemort said apathetically, while Severus nodded briefly, showing that he understood. The rest of the table was confused.

Voldemort walked to the table and sat between Harry and McGonagall.

"So how are you doing, Minerva? It has been a long time."

Minerva just looked puzzled.

Voldemort chuckled. "Why Minerva, don't you remember a young, charming lad by the name of Tom Riddle?'

"You mean my ex-boyfriend?" Minerva inquired; Harry choked.

Severus grumbled and paid Remus five galleons.

At the inquisitive glances, Remus said, "We decided to bet on someone shocking Harry."

"Oh my God, you dated him!" Harry gestured wildly at Voldemort.

Minerva gasped. "You're the sweet Tom Riddle I dated at Hogwarts! I dated the Dark Lord…."

Voldemort bowed as best he could while sitting. "The very same,"

"If you don't mind, why are you here?" Dumbledore asked, though his eyes weren't twinkling.

"If you must know I was invited." Voldemort shot a glare at Harry.

Dumbledore saw his gaze and frowned.

"Harry, why did you invite Lord Voldemort to Hogwarts for Christmas?"

"ARE YOU INSANE?" Remus and Severus shouted.

"'Cuz I felt like it. Possibly," Harry said in response to both questions.

Voldemort instantly perked up. "If you're possibly insane, does that mean that you'll join me?"

The silence was deafening until Harry replied. "Probably not, you do have a thing for torturing your followers. Quite frankly, I'm not a masochist."

"But you could torture Muggles with me. We'd be unstoppable!" The Dark Lord whined.

"There are only three Muggles I want to torture; I do that by simply existing."

An awkward silence fell over the table until Voldemort came to an important realization.

"Didn't you know I was coming Severus? You cosigned the letter with Potter."

"No I didn't."

Voldemort sighed and pulled out a letter and read:

"_Dearest Dark Lord Voldemort AKA Tom Marvolo Riddle, _

_We have decided to invite you for both Christmas and the New Year. However, we also know that you will try to take advantage of the situation. Therefore, you must swear in Parseltongue that you will not bring another person (i.e. Girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, lover, best friend, pawn, torturer, Death Eater, anyone with a dark mark, Muggle, or Animagus) with you when you come for Christmas and the New Year. _

_Next you shall promise not to __injure, __abuse__, aggrieve, batter, __blemish__, __blight__, __break__, contort, __cripple__, cut up, __damage__, deface, deform, disable, disfigure, __distort__, __distress__, do in, draw blood, __foul__, foul up, __grieve__, hack up, __impair__, __maim__, maltreat, mangle, __mar__, __mutilate__, __pain__, __prejudice__, __ruin__, shake up, __spoil__, __sting__, __tarnish__, __torment__, __torture__, __total__, __undermine__, __vitiate__, wax, __weaken__, __wound__, __wrong__ anyone in Hogwarts Castle, Hogwarts grounds, or the village of Hogsmeade itself (including the Shrieking Shack). _

_You shall promise not to do any of those things with any of the following: __axe__, __flail__, __knife__, dirk, machete, __mace__, Morning Star, Nunchaku, __Sword__ (including but not limited to; __katana__, broadsword, claymore, long sword, saber, short sword, scimitar, or cutlass) javelin, __spear__, __trident__, __battering ram__, __catapult__, __Siege Tower__, __Greek fire__, cannon, glaive, halberd, lance, pike, any form or combination of bow and arrows, any form of gun (ancient, medieval, or current nor any that is manual, semiautomatic, automatic, or machine), other assassination weapons (i.e. poisons, throwing stars), or harmful household liquids or objects (Bleach, toilet cleaner, frying pans, etc.). Any and all other forms of wandless or wand/staff magic is banned as well. _

_We will be informed the moment you read this letter and when you decide to take your vow. _

_Lots of love,_

_HP & SS"_

_P.S. You must also wear a Santa hat and bring presents on Christmas._

Voldemort finished the letter and the rest of the table gaped at Harry.

"What? You can't say that we weren't thorough. I even used a thesaurus."

"But then, who's SS if it isn't Severus?" Voldemort asked, puzzled.

"That would be me. Sapphire Slytherin at your service,"

Voldemort's jaw dropped. "Slytherin, as in Salazar Slytherin?"

"Of course! I take it you don't believe me." Sapphire added in response to the Dark Lord's disbelief.

{How do you think we knew that you can't lie if you speak Parseltongue?}

{Voldie, do us a favor and shut your mouth before you catch flies} Harry smirked.

{You really are Slytherin's heir….} Voldemort trailed off looking thoughtful.

{Daughter, actually}

"Would you stop it with the snake speak? It is exceptionally annoying to those of us that can't understand you." Severus complained.

{Whatever Batman} Harry and Sapphire snickered at the Dark Lord's remark.

{Gotta love being able to insult people without their knowledge} Harry giggled and the other two nodded and laughed.

"Okay, we're done with snake speak for the moment." Harry replied dryly.

"Good. Now I can make my clichéd attempt on your life."

Voldemort pulled out a key and enlarged it so it was the size of a small sword.

"Now, I shall pique you to death with my giant key!"

"Damn Harry, we forgot one!"

"You're going to bludgeon me to death with a giant key." Both teen Parselmouths spoke simultaneously and with the exact same amount of astonishment.

"Well, it's like the only thing you didn't ban from my use as a murder weapon."

Voldemort sighed, shrunk his key, and pulled out a couple presents.

"Well, here's your present, twerp. This was supposed to go to Severus, but I guess I should give it to you."

Voldemort thrust a large square, green package at Harry, and a red cylindrical one at Sapphire.

"By the way Potter, I like the decorations." Voldemort pointed to the other two students (Gryffindor and Slytherin first years) that were left at Hogwarts and were currently being used as tree toppers.

Seeing the teachers horrified looks, Harry assured them, "they've only been Confunded and Stunned for a couple of hours."

"We plan on Obliviating them later too." Sapphire added.

"Oh and Voldie," here several teachers gasped, "You have to watch us open your presents."

Voldemort huffed and sat back down.

"Ready?"

"One,"

"Two,"

"Three,"

"RIP!" The pair ripped off the paper and threw it at whoever was closest (Snape and McGonagall respectively).

Harry's box contained several small fire salamanders and Sapphire's contained a bottle of Extra-Strength Firewhiskey. The Devil Duo looked at each other's present and smirked; an evil plot was just created. Voldemort, being the only insane/psychopathic one figured out instantly what the duo was going to do. He paled even further (which was quite a feat).

Snape, having a knack for guessing the Dark Lord's reactions, paled as well when he reached the same conclusion the Dark Lord had.

Harry muttered something to Sapphire who giggled and gave him an evil grin in return. These grins didn't bode well for the rest of the table, all of whom were slowly catching on.

"Well, I best be off." Voldemort rose from the table and started to walk to the doors. "I'll see you at the New Year."

"Thanks, Voldemort! We can't wait to see you again!" The possibly insane duo grabbed their presents and skipped out of the hall after Obliviating the two first years.

McGonagall turned to Snape. "You didn't tell him about the Ice Mice Incident, did you?"

Snape chuckled darkly. "Of course I didn't, and I most certainly regret it now."

Both professors looked at each other and started to bang their heads against the wall.

December 31st:

New Year's Eve was turning into a day of dreaded waiting for the staff at Hogwarts. No salamander guts had been found anywhere outside of Snape's storage rooms and no explosions had commenced either.

Dumbledore had finished setting up the large, crystal ball that was going to be dropped to bring in the New Year, Sapphire and Harry walked in, wearing a New Year tiara and top hat respectively.

"Ooh, that's really pretty," Sapphire gasped.

"You forgot the countdown timer though." Harry added.

"Indeed I did, my dear boy." With a flick of the Elder Wand, a large, fiery set of numbers were drawn seemingly in midair.

"Much better," Harry nodded in approval.

The first years that were decorations on Christmas, weren't present, as they were simply transfigured garden gnomes. The rest of the professors entered and some were eating the hors d'oeuvres that were on the buffet table. Others simply mingled, and were anxiously awaiting the arrival of the Dark Lord.

The Dark Lord wandered in at half-past ten, and meandered his way over to Sapphire and Harry.

"Happy New Year," The Dark Lord was also wearing a New Year's hat, which matched Harry's.

"Happy New Year,"

"Did Snape, by any chance, tell you about the Ice Mice Incident?" Harry asked nervously.

Voldemort looked perplexed. "No. Why?"

Harry let out a sigh of relief. "Then you'll be one of the few that'll be surprised tonight."

"Okay…." Voldemort walked quickly over to Snape.

"Severus, what's the Ice Mice Incident?" Snape paled dramatically.

"Potter mentioned that, didn't he?" At Voldemort's nod, he paled further.

"Then all I'm telling you is that it involved a bludger, swelling solution, Firewhiskey, and a box of ice mice."

Voldemort's eyes were as round as saucers. "Oh,"

The count down had reached 11:55 and all the occupants of the castle were gathered in front of the crystal ball that was slowly rising.

"Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two! One!" The hall's occupants were shouting the last ten seconds.

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" The crystal ball dropped and shattered, showering the hall with bright sparkles and lights.

At the New Year, Harry quickly pressed his lips to Sapphire's.

"Happy New Year, Sapphire."

At her puzzled expression, Harry quickly explained. "You always kiss someone close to you on the New Year. This is the first time I've actually gotten to do it, though."

"Okay then, Happy New Year Harry." Sapphire brushed her lips against Harry's briefly, before pulling away, blushing.

The rest of the Hall stared at them in disbelief.

"Honestly, have any of you heard that you are supposed to kiss someone close to you on New Years?"

The collective look of "oh" appeared on their faces.

"Now, for the grand finale!" Sapphire shouted.

Harry removed the spell that kept the crate of fire salamanders hidden. He opened the crate and poured Sapphire's Firewhiskey into the crate, before promptly running away. The hall watched in morbid fascination as the crate set itself on fire and exploded, sending burning shrapnel around the hall.

The salamanders were changing colors quickly, like little flaming fireworks. The professors and Voldemort turned as one to face the teens.

"So that's what happens when you give fire salamanders Firewhiskey." Harry said in awe as he and Sapphire raced out of the room, the professors hot on their tails.

"I rather like the new Harry Potter." Voldemort said to the flaming room as he walked out of the castle and Apparated to Somewhere Evil.

A/N: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

-Yes, I know this chapter is late, but at least now it makes sense. Trust me when I say that this chapter didn't even make sense to me, and I was the one writing it.

-As for Sapphire, should I pair her with Harry or not? Please let me know what you think.

CHALLENGE: Tell me (in a review or PM) what you really think happened with the Ice Mice Incident. The person/people who are the closest will get the 'Ice Mice Incident' one shot dedicated to them. You have until February 14th so please submit your ideas.

Thanks!

~A. Rosalie


	13. The Infamous Ice Mice Incident

DEDICATED TO: Princess of Rainbows and Death, SilverIceBlueEyes, and Miarx.

ICE MICE INCIDENT

Harry and Sapphire were bored. They had the entire castle to themselves, but they had absolutely nothing to do. One snowy, Tuesday morning found Harry and Sapphire sitting in a classroom by a green fire playing Exploding Snap. Mrs. Norris wandered in, meowed at them, clearly unimpressed, and stalked out of the room with her head and tail held high.

"Sapphie, I know what we're going to do today."

After a quick lunch in the kitchens, Harry and Sapphire made their way to the Quidditch pitch. The trouble makers entered Madam Hooch's office with an Alohamora and spotted the ball crate.

"So, do we just take the Snitch?" Sapphire asked.

An alarm charm that Harry had set went off, meaning that someone was coming towards them.

"No time. Let's take it all." Harry shrunk the crate and stuck it in his pocket.

The pair was able to sneak out, but was still close enough to hear, "I could've sworn that I locked it…."

The duo hid their mischievous grins and ran into the castle and down to the dungeons. Of course, Harry and Sapphire commandeered Snape's classroom. Sapphire walked briskly to the student stores and gathered all the ingredients that she would need for a Swelling Solution.

She set up her cauldron and started to brew. Eventually, she got to the second to last step, letting the potion simmer for fifteen minutes before adding the knotgrass, and while she was waiting, pulled out a box of Ice Mice.

Sapphire had discovered Ice Mice on a Hogsmeade trip, and had become totally addicted. Now she always had a box on her person. Harry shook his head, clearly amused, and continued to wander around the classroom.

Harry eventually sat behind Snape's desk and discovered a drawer titled 'Potter and Longbottom Therapy'. He opened the drawer and pulled out a bottle of Extra-Strength Firewhiskey.

"Check it out Sapphie, ol' Snape keeps Firewhiskey in his desk." Harry uncorked it, took a swig, and walked over and set the open bottle next to the cauldron.

"That stuff burns," Harry spluttered.

"That's why they call it _Fire_whiskey, Ry-Ry."

Harry shot Sapphire a glare and walked over to the ball crate. It was then that he noticed Mrs. Norris kitty-glaring at him from the door.

"You know, we're doing this for you. You could really use a cat toy, just like a normal, non-detention bringing cat."

Mrs. Norris continued to give him the evil eye, so Harry sighed and opened the ball crate. It only took him a couple of seconds to realize that whoever used the crate last (the Hufflepuffs) didn't secure a bludger correctly, and the bludger snapped its restraint.

"DUCK!" Harry yelled as he dove to the floor.

"Where?" Sapphire shouted curiously, looking for a duck.

The bludger rocketed around the room, drawing Snape from his private quarters.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE?" Snape ducked when the bludger started to aim toward his face then resumed bouncing off the walls.

Sapphire was completely stunned, so the bludger managed to knock her Ice Mice into the cauldron of swelling solution and broke her hand in the process.

Then of course, the worst possible thing happened, the bludger shattered the bottle of Firewhiskey into the potion-mice mix, causing it to explode in a flurry of flame and gummy-goop.

Harry, having tackled Sapphire, ended up being the one mostly covered in the gelatinous goop. Snape was also covered with the goop, but at least he wasn't Mrs. Norris. Mrs. Norris ended up singed in places, not to mention covered in the white-blue goop.

"What on Earth were you thinking?" Snape hissed dangerously.

Harry spat some goop out, "we just wanted to enlarge a snitch so Mrs. Norris could have a cat toy."

"That's disgusting," Sapphire remarked casually, eying the glop of goop Harry spat out.

Snape spotted her broken had hand, healed it, and then summoned a painkilling potion, as well as some mops and buckets.

"Clean this wreck up!" Snape shoved the potion into Sapphire's hands, and stormed out of the room with flaming goop stuck to his backside.

Harry and Sapphire cracked up for a whole fifteen minutes before starting to clean up. Later that night, they found out that their explosion had shaken the entire castle.

And that's what happens when you mix Firewhiskey, Ice Mice, Swelling Solution and a bludger.

DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Harry Potter or Phineas and Ferb.

A/N: I decided to dedicate this to all of you who decided to participate in my challenge. Thanks! The next chapter will probably be up by the end of the week.

Happy Valentine's Day!

~A. Rosalie


	14. A Very TimeTraveling Talent Show

Chapter 11: A Very Time-Traveling Talent Show

It was an unusually quiet Saturday. It was lunch time and Harry Potter was nowhere to be found. The DA and Sapphire Slytherin were silently eating, wondering where on earth their leader was.

A loud roar resounded around the hall, and a time rip appeared. They had finally found Harry. The Time-Traveling Gryffin-Claw screeched to halt in the middle of the hall. Harry was clearly the only person that was missing at Hogwarts and was easily identified as the driver, but there were four others in the former Ford Anglia.

"Welcome to Hogwarts, 1996!" Harry called cheerily.

"Ooh, this is amazing! I can't believe it actually worked!" The brunette gasped as she looked around the hall in wonder.

"Honestly Ro, didn't you have confidence in our driver's spell work?" The blonde asked, mildly amused.

The brunette was about to retort when a blur charged at them.

"DADDY!" Sapphire shrieked as she launched herself into her father's arms.

After being glomped and a brief speech in Parseltongue, Salazar took a look at what his daughter was wearing.

"SAPPHIRE SARAPHINA SLYTHERIN! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU WEARING?"

"Clothes, Daddy," after seeing her father's unpleasant look Sapphire added, "Harry's shirt, Luna's skirt, Lavender's funky socks, my boots, Draco's tie as a tie, and Zach's tie as a hair tie."

"You are showing your ankles!" Salazar roared.

"It's not the thirteen hundreds anymore. Besides, at least I'm wearing a skirt and not pants like Luna does."

"Lighten up, Sally. Your kid's not dressed differently from any of the other ladies here." Godric gave said ladies a heart-melting smile.

Salazar processed what Godric said, and then his eyes bugged out. "What. Have. I. Told. You. About. Calling. Me. Sally?"

"To not to, but—"

"No buts' Ricky. You know I hate it."

"Quit calling me 'Ricky', Sally!" Gryffindor roared.

"Not until you swear on your magic that you'll stop calling me 'Sally'!"

"Never!"

"Then you leave me no choice."

Slytherin pulled out his wand and Godric did the same. Before they could even start dueling, Helga shoved the angry duo together and Rowena preformed a sticking charm. The hall gasped in horror when they saw where they got hit with the charm. They were stuck to each other by the lips. Salazar and Godric, however, were trying to shove the other off, resulting in Godric tripping over his feet and taking Salazar with him. Of course, the two of them being stuck together made the whole situation a lot worse.

Rowena finally took pity on the two male founders, and undid her charm. Both males sprang apart, spitting.

"What are my lovely ladies going to do now? I kissed another man!" Gryffindor whined.

"You could always offer to do threesomes, Godric." Slytherin offered.

"I, unlike you Salazar, am straight. At least _I_ can hold down a girlfriend."

"How dare you?" Salazar roared. "You know very well what happened, Gryffindor!"

"Yeah well, you never remarried did you?"

"That's it! I've had it, Godric Gryffindor! How dare you insult my dead wife in front of my daughter! At least I'm faithful to one woman my entire life, unlike you with your 'flavor of the week'." Salazar snarled.

"That is enough! Salazar, apologize for insulting Godric's fickle love-life, and Godric apologize for insulting Salazar's morals." Helga Hufflepuff demanded.

"Yes Mother," Both founders replied with sarcasm.

"Now, if you don't behave, I'll let Rowena punish the pair of you." Both Salazar and Godric chanced a glance at the brunette, who was currently lying beneath the former Ford Anglia, trying to figure out how it worked.

Both men shuddered. "We'll be good, we promise!"

"Why are you so afraid of Rowena's punishments?" Harry asked curiously.

"You've never seen what happens to the students she punishes." Salazar deadpanned.

"It's horrible. The student in question is never the same again." Godric replied solemnly.

Harry turned to Sapphire. "So let me get this straight; Slytherin is emo and depressed, Hufflepuff is the ancient form of Molly Weasley, Ravenclaw is downright terrifying, and Gryffindor is a man-whore."

"Sounds just about right," Sapphire nodded.

"Then why on Earth are Gryffindors known as 'chivalrous'?"

"Because, little lion, I'm related to the Lovegoods; I sure know how to love good."

Harry face-palmed, "That definitely isn't chivalry..."

Sapphire snickered. "That's Godric for you."

"Ahem, well considering that this has been a most unusual afternoon, I only have one announcement. Hogwarts will be holding a talent show next Friday night at seven o'clock. Anyone can participate, but please leave your name and category with your head of house. Please see the bulletin boards for details."

As soon as Harry heard Dumbledore's announcement, he cackled evilly, which caused the hall to stare at him in horror.

"Is there a problem Mr. Potter?" Dumbledore asked, clearly concerned for the boy's sanity.

"Not a one, Professor." Harry cackled again, and walked out of the hall.

Friday came quickly. The entirety of Hogwarts came to watch; including the Founders and a Voldemort disguised Tom Riddle, who was still bound to his holiday restrictions. The Founders, Dumbledore, and the Dark Lord were acting as the judges for the evening.

After an hour of various art projects, amateur ventriloquists (including a rather humorous one involving Peeves, the resident poltergeist), and musical acts ranging from Muggle artists to bag piping wizard ones, the DA was finally up.

The hall held its breath as the DA minus one Harry Potter marched up to the makeshift stage.

Sapphire was dressed as Snape, and the rest seemed to be dressed as ickle-firsties.

"Welcome to Potions Class. You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making. As there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching of the mind, ensnaring the senses...I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even how to stopper death—if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach."

Ravenclaw huffed in the peanut gallery; she definitely wasn't a dunderhead!

"Are you ready kids?" Sapphire turned Snape called.

"Um, yes?" Squeaked the first-year form of Hermione Granger.

Sapphire/Snape pinched the bridge of her/his nose. "Let's try that again shall we? Are you ready kids?"

"Aye-aye Captain!" Mini-Neville replied.

Sapphire/Snape nodded approvingly.

"Now for our first potion, put the lime in the coconut and shake it all around—" Sapphire/Snape stopped her instructions to glare at Hermione Granger. "What Granger?"

"How _do _you put a lime in a coconut?"Sapphire/Snape face-palmed.

"That's not in the script! Ten points from Gryffindor!"

"Way to go Granger." Luna, who was dressed as a mini-Draco Malfoy, drawled.

"Yeah, what he said Herman," A four-foot Ron Weasley agreed.

"It's Hermione!"

"Ooh, do you know what this is, Granger? It's a picture of you getting laughed at with a cauldron on your head. See, there I am, I'm like all 'Hahaha, you have a cauldron on your head'."

"Hey, let me see that Draco." Ron grabbed the drawing from Luna.

"Look at the shading. I think its good, really good." Neville squeaked.

"It's not that good." Hermione declared loftily.

"Oh please Granger. I'd like to see you do better."

"Well, I'd need a sketch book for that."

Ron and Draco/Luna exchange a look and began to sing.

"Hermione can't draw, Hermione can't draw, Hermione cannot draw. She only reads books, and she cannot draw even if she's reading a how-to-draw book.  
Hermione can't draw, Hermione can't draw, Hermione cannot draw. She only reads books, and she cannot draw even if she's reading a how-to-draw book—"

"SILENCE YOU IGNORENT DUNDERHEADS!" Sapphire/Snape thunders, effectively silencing the classroom.

"Now that we have established that Granger cannot draw—" Sapphire/Snape drawled, until he was cut off by the bell.

"Damn," There was a loud gasp as the "firsties" covered their ears.

"Fine, _darn_. You dunderheads are dismissed." There was a mad scramble for the door but Hermione stayed in her seat.

"Don't you have somewhere to be, Granger? A library, perhaps?"

Hermione ran out the door crying.

"Ten points to Sevvie!" Sapphire/Snape declared as she left the stage.

"Why me?" The real Snape muttered.

The Hall was collectively laughing loudly, so when Luna Lovegood announced the final act as being a musical act starring one Harry Potter, the majority of the hall immediately stopped laughing and several audience members prepared themselves to be scared for life.

Harry walked onto the stage wearing a big, black, Death Eater-style cloak. Once he reached the microphone, he untied the ribbon holding the cloak closed to reveal an ensemble that made several people scream. He was wearing a black and green corset, black, thigh-high fishnets with matching elbow-length gloves, and a short leather mini skirt that left little to the imagination.

Harry winked at the crowd and began to sing.

"Let's have some fun, this beat is sick

I wanna take a ride on your disco stick

Let's have some fun, this beat is sick

I wanna take a ride on your disco stick

Huh!

Huh!

I wanna kiss you,

but if I do then I might miss you, babe

It's complicated and stupid

Got my ass squeezed by sexy Cupid

Guess he wants to play, wants to play

A lovegame, a lovegame

Hold me and love me

Just wanna touch you for a minute

Maybe three seconds is enough

For my heart to quit it

Let's have some fun, this beat is sick

I wanna take a ride on your disco stick

don't think too much, just bust that stick

I wanna take a ride on your disco stick

Let's play a lovegame

Play a lovegame

Do you want love?

Or you want fame?

Are you in the game?

Doin' the lovegame

Let's play a lovegame

Play a lovegame

Do you want love?

Or you want fame?

Are you in the game?

Doin' the lovegame

Huh!

I'm on a mission

and it involves some heavy touching, yeah

You've indicated your interest

I'm educated in sex, yes

And now I want it bad, want it bad

A lovegame, a lovegame

Hold me and love me

just want touch you for a minute

Maybe three seconds is enough

For my heart to quit it

Let's have some fun, this beat is sick

I wanna take a ride on your disco stick

Don't think too much, just bust that stick

I wanna take a ride on your disco stick

Let's play a lovegame

Play a lovegame

Do you want love?

Or you want fame?

Are you in the game?

Doin' the lovegame

Let's play a lovegame

Play a lovegame

Do you want love?

Or you want fame?

Are you in the game?

Doin' the lovegame

Huh!

I can see you staring there from across the block

with a smile on your mouth and your hand on your huh

The story of us, it always starts the same

with a boy and a girl and a huh and a game

And a game (huh)

And a game (huh)

And a game (huh)

A lovegame!

Let's play a lovegame

Play a lovegame

Do you want love?

Or you want fame?

Are you in the game?

Doin' the lovegame

Let's play a lovegame

Play a lovegame

Do you want love?

Or you want fame?

Are you in the game?

Doin' the lovegame

Let's play a lovegame

Play a lovegame

Do you want love

Or you want fame

Are you in the game (Let's have some fun this beat is sick)

Doin' the lovegame (I wanna take a ride on your disco stick)

Let's play a lovegame

Play a lovegame

Do you want love?

Or you want fame?

Are you in the game? (Don't think too much just bust that stick)

Doin' the lovegame (I wanna take a ride on your disco stick)

Huh!"

Harry picked up his cloak and glided off the stage.

The entire hall was flat out stunned. No one had expected that. Several students had passed out from the shock and lay twitching in various locations. The professors were beyond shocked. Professor McGonagall's lips were so thin that they could barely be seen, but it was ruined by her very red blush. Other professors, however, were simply comatose. Snape was to be seen shaking and rocking back and forth, but no one was really sure if it had to do with Harry's act or if it was from Sapphire's semi-accurate portrayal of him. Flitwick had toppled the second Harry revealed his outfit, or lack there of, and Hagrid was blushing furiously. Dumbledore was actually so shocked that his eyes didn't twinkle.

Salazar had passed out after the first chorus. His limp body was still twitching. Rowena was both shocked and furious as well as subconsciously planning punishment for the offender. Helga was completely red, but Godric's reaction took the cake. His eyes had bugged out and his jaw had dropped. It was difficult to tell if he was actually alive or not.

Voldemort's reaction was completely priceless. The so-called "Dark Lord" was laughing so hard he had fallen off of his seat and was rolling around on the floor.

"Dear Merlin, that was absolutely brilliant!"

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but any original characters and the mediocre plot. I am obviously not Lady Gaga, JK Rowling, or Darren Criss/Team Starkid. Therefore, I don't own anything that belongs to them.

A/N: Yes, I am well aware that I totally suck at updating. The reason this chapter took so long was because I have written it approximately six times. I will be using some modern tech as well as modern music, so please don't flame me saying that "Lovegame wasn't written in the '90s." Harry's outfit was simply meant to match the song as well as spook people, not to insinuate anything. Lord Moldy-butt just appreciated the stunt Harry pulled.

Brain bleach, anyone?

~A. Rosalie


	15. Harry Potter's Day Off

**Chapter 12: Harry Potter's Day Off**

A week after the DA's latest escapade, Harry was approached by two former members of the DA.

"Harry, we want in." The first voice stated.

Harry could only smirk in response. "You do know what we do, right?"

"Of course, wreak the most havoc possible." The second voice replied.

"Why should I let the pair of you join?" Harry asked curiously.

"Because I have a very brilliant idea." The first person smirked.

"And that would be?" The first person simply whispered the idea into Harry's ear.

"That's brilliant." Harry whispered in awe, before cackling like a madman.

"So, are we in?"

"Most definitely."

**LINE-BREAK**

"Hey Sapphie, are you willing to cut class with me on Friday?" Harry asked anxiously.

"Why Mr. Potter, are you trying to ask me out?" At Harry's thunder-struck look, Sapphire continued. "Just kidding, Harry. But I can't go with you because I promised daddy that I wouldn't shirk my education for some mindless cause. Besides, Daddy would be livid if I skipped History of Magic or Double Potions."

"Bugger. Would you do something for me then? Make sure this gets on a certain roll-call list." Harry handed her a folded piece of parchment containing the details of her mission.

Sapphire took it with a smile. "That I can do, Harry."

"Thanks Sapphie! You're the best!" Harry gave her a quick peck on the cheek and ran off to find more accomplices.

**LINE-BREAK**

Harry was practically skipping when he ran into Colin Creevey and Hermione Granger coming out of the library.

"Hey Colin, could you please ask your dad for what is written on this list?"

Colin nodded. Harry proceeded to hand Colin his list.

"Woot! Thanks Colin." Harry turned to Hermione.

"Herms, all I want you to do is to not spoil this, 'kay?" Harry tweaked her nose and ran off.

Hermione shook her head, wondering just who had put Harry in this mood or whom was responsible for giving Harry sugar.

**LINE-BREAK**

Harry managed to spot Ron and Luna leaving the Great Hall, Ron was looking extremely confused as Luna was explaining one of her mythical creatures to him.

"Ron! Luna!" Harry called as he bounded over to them.

"Hello Harry." The duo greeted simultaneously.

Harry got right down to business. "I need someone to cut class with me on Friday."

Ron gaped like a fish and Luna agreed to go with Harry on Friday.

"Awesome! Thanks Luna!" Harry glomped her and ran off to find more victims.

Ron was still imitating a fish and muttering that his mother would kill him and Luna was giggling.

**LINE-BREAK**

"NEV!" Harry shrieked as he tackled the plant-lover near one of the greenhouses.

"Um, hi Harry?" Neville gasped.

"Guess what?" Harry giggled from his position on Neville's chest.

"Um, do I want to know?" Neville asked nervously.

"Of course you do! The two of us plus Luna and two others are cutting class on Friday."

"Don't I get a say in this?" Neville wheezed as Harry was now sitting cross-legged on his chest.

"Nope, and I'm not leaving or moving until you swear a Wizard Vow that you'll join me in whatever I happen to be planning for Friday." Harry declared defiantly.

Neville gulped. A Wizard Vow was less serious than swearing on your magic or making an Unbreakable Vow, which result in loss of magic or death respectively. A Wizard Vow was simply a compulsory vow that makes you do whatever the vow requires. Failure to do so results in turning you green with the word 'Oath Breaker' written on your forehead in a neon color for a minimum period of two days to an indefinite period, depending on the severity of the vow and what the action required was. It would out him as a man who broke his word. Honor was the one of the few things that the Wizarding World valued more than blood.

Neville sighed. If he wanted to be able to breathe properly anytime soon, he would have to make the vow and hope that what ever Harry has planned wouldn't be life-threatening.

"Okay, fine, I'll do it. I, Neville Longbottom swear on my honor as a wizard that I will join Harry Potter in what ever he intends on this Friday, January 19th. Now will you please get off me, I can't breathe." Neville wheezed, exasperated.

"Oki-dokie! No problem Nevvie-Boy! See you later!" Harry hopped off with a grin and ran off with an insane grin plastered across his face.

Neville slowly sat up, starring at the insanely hyper teen that was known as Harry Potter. He only hoped that Harry wouldn't get him killed, or worse, expelled. Then he'd have to live forever with grandmother, with no prospects for his future whatsoever.

**LINE-BREAK**

Harry giggled gleefully. His nefarious plot couldn't have been better. Everything was coming together perfectly and no one would be able to predict this one. Friday couldn't come soon enough.

**LINE-BREAK**

Harry woke up feeling absolutely giddy. It was finally Friday. As the other boys in the dorm started to wake up, Harry motioned for them to remain silent.

"Ron, do us a favor and tell the professors that we're sick and too weak to get out of bed, but only if they ask. Please?" Harry gave him the puppy-dog eyes.

Ron sighed. "Is this about the mental thing you were recruiting for earlier this week?"

Harry gave a rather enthusiastic nod.

"Then I definitely don't want to know, but I'll cover for you anyway. Plausible Deniability and all that." Ron dressed and quickly left the room.

The others exchanged looks and changed, putting on Muggle clothes instead of their Hogwarts robes.

"So Harry, what exactly are we going to do today?" Neville asked tentatively.

"We're going to go to Hogsmeade and take a day off." Harry grinned.

Neville gulped. "Who's idea was this anyway?"

"Mine!" Dean perked up instantly. "You see, I got the idea after watching a movie over the Christmas Hols, and when I told Harry, he cackled like a madman and decided to do it."

"Harry came up with this hair-brained scheme because of a movie?" Neville nearly shrieked.

"Calm down, Neville. I saw the movie myself and I didn't have a problem with it." Seamus added.

"Besides, Muggle movies are where I get my best ideas. How else do you think I got the idea to make a time-traveling car? In my tea leaves?" Harry deadpanned.

After getting blank looks from the other three, Harry continued exasperated. "Really? None of you have seen _Back to the Future_?"

A light bulb seemed to go off in Dean's head. "So how did you get enough voltage to power a flux capacitor? Doesn't it require 1.21 gigawatts?"

"Yes," Harry grumbled, "but there's apparently a spell for summoning lightning so..."

"What about Plutonium?" Dean asks curiously.

Harry snorted. "Do you have any idea how difficult that is to get? I wasn't about to cause an international incident because I summoned Plutonium from the nearest government facility. I'm not _that_ crazy."

The other simply raised their eyebrows. Harry sulked. "Fine, let's get going then."

By now, it was well after breakfast so the quartet went down to meet Luna and head off to Hogsmeade.

**LINE-BREAK**

"I've got a bad feeling about today." Hermione worried, because anything that could cause Harry Potter to laugh like a mad man was a bad thing. A very bad thing.

"Relax Hermione, what could possibly go wrong?" Ron asked.

"Really Hermione, I'd just enjoy the show." Sapphire added.

"That does not reassure me, Sapphire." Hermione groaned.

Just then, Professor Binns walked through the wall to start the class. He picked up his transparent role call list and started taking attendance.

"Abbott?"

"Here."

"Bones?"

"Present."

"Bueller?"

"Bueller?"

"Bueller?"

Hermione just stared at the ghostly professor. "You've got to be kidding me." She muttered angrily.

"Bueller?"

"Bueller?"

Ron snickered. "This is now my favorite History of Magic class."

Sapphire giggled. "This is very amusing, I wonder how long he'll keep it up?"

"Bueller?"

By now, all of the muggleborns and most of the half-bloods have caught on, and were snickering to themselves, while their pureblooded counterparts looked slightly confused.

"Bueller?"

"Professor, there isn't anyone in this class named 'Bueller'." Ernie MacMillan declared pompously.

"McDonald, there wouldn't be a 'Bueller' on this list if there wasn't a 'Bueller' in this class! Now quit interrupting me while I wait on a response from this 'Ferris Bueller'." The ghost droned.

"Bueller?"

"I'm going to kill Harry Potter!" Hermione muttered mutinously. "This is way out of line!"

"Bueller?"

"Just give it up Hermione, and enjoy the free day." Ron told her seriously.

"Bueller?"

**LINE-BREAK**

The quintet of miscreants had slipped into Hogsmeade through the passage in the one-eyed witch's hump.

"So now what?" Neville asked nervously.

The group had exited Honeydukes and were walking along High Street, where some sort of festival seemed to be going on. There was a small wizard band leading the procession, followed by some entertainers and a couple levitating floats. Harry got a very scary grin on his face.

"Why my dear Neville, we're going to hijack one of those lovely floats and become entertainment!" Harry laughed and proceeded to commandeer one of the floats.

Dean and Seamus joined Harry, leaving Neville and Luna in the crowd.

"Hey Luna, which classes are you skipping today?"

"Just Divination and Care of Magical Creatures. I have Friday afternoons off you see." Luna replied.

Neville was about to continue when Harry's amplified voice rang out. "Ladies and gentlemen, you're such a wonderful crowd, we'd like to play a little tune for you. It's one of my personal favorites and I'd like to dedicate it to a young man who thinks he hasn't seen anything good today. Neville Longbottom, this one's for you. (1)"

"Well, shake it up, baby, now  
(Shake it up, baby)  
Twist and shout  
(Twist and shout)

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, baby, now  
(Come on baby)  
Come on and work it on out  
(Work it on out)

Well, work it on out, honey  
(Work it on out)  
You know you look so good  
(Look so good)

You know you got me goin', now  
(Got me goin')  
Just like I knew you would  
(Like I knew you would)...(2)"

"Well, I know know why Harry was meeting Colin yesterday. He needed a stereo." Neville sighed, exasperated.

"At least it's good music." Luna said happily.

Neville sighed again and nodded, just wanting to get the rest of the day over with.

**LINE-BREAK**

It was the start of double potions and none of the Gryffindors had shown up. Snape, although he'd never admit it, was concerned, because not even the know-it-all Hermione Granger was there, and she was never late for any of her lessons, regardless of whatever hair-brained scheme the Potter brat had roped her into.

"Slytherins, start copying the notes off the board. I'm going to search for the rest of the class and when I return there will be Hell to pay." Snape snarled.

The Slytherins snickered, and actually did what they were told.

Snape stalked off to check with McGonagall to see where his missing students might be. Oddly enough, he met her near the History wing, not the Transfiguration Department like he had expected.

"Minerva! What class were your sixth year Gryffindors in prior to this period?" Severus inquired.

"Double History of Magic. I'm searching for my missing Hufflepuffs actually, and they have History with my Lions. I was wondering why they didn't show up with the Ravenclaws like they usually do." Minerva looked worried.

"Shall we go see Binns together then?" Minerva nodded and off they strode.

They arrived at the History of Magic classroom where second year Ravenclaws and Slytherins waited impatiently.

"Professors! We can't get in! We think he has a class still but that shouldn't be possible!" One of the Ravens cried.

"Yeah! The door's locked and we didn't know what to do!" One of the Slytherins remarked.

"How about send someone for a teacher?" Snape intoned.

"Um, we didn't think about that." The Slytherin boy muttered.

"Obviously."

"Professor Snape!" McGonagall lightly smacked the other professor. "Now is simply not the time to be scolding second years on their lack of common sense! We have a situation that needs resolving." With that, McGonagall strode to the door with purpose, knocked three times while saying something under her breath.

The door swung open with a loud click, stunning both professors with the sight.

Hermione Granger was beating her head against the wall, while a couple students studied and others played games. Strangely, no one was sleeping for once.

"Bueller?"

"Bueller?"

"Bueller?"

"Professor Binns! What on Earth is going on here?" McGonagall shouted angrily.

Binns looked startled. "My dear professor, I've yet to finish taking attendance. I can't send these students on to their next class without having note of who all was here."

"Bueller?"

"Bueller?"

"Bueller?"

"Professor! There is no one at this school named Ferris Bueller. It's just a dunderheaded prank." Snape's lips were twitching,as if he was trying not to laugh.

"Oh I see but I must continue the roll now. Bueller?" As one, every student's head hit their desk with a resounding thunk.

"Bueller?"

"Miss Granger, has he been doing this all class period?" McGonagall asked incredulously.

"Yes, and it has been driving me batty!" Hermione wailed.

"Weasley, Slytherin, take Granger to the Hospital Wing. She seems to be in dire need of a headache cure and a calming draught." Snape ordered.

"Yes sir," the duo chorused, dragging their near comatose friend out of the room.

"Bueller?"

"The rest of you go to your next class." The Hufflepuffs scrambled out of the room, finally having had enough of the mad ghost.

"Bueller?"

McGonagall and Snape exited the room, still able to hear the demented ghost's calls of "Bueller?" to an empty room.

"You lot need to head to the Great Hall. This is now a study period. Now shoo!" McGonagall ordered, and the second years left, grumbling.

"Now what, Minerva?" Severus asked quietly.

McGonagall sighed. "I've got to go inform Albus that our history teacher has finally gone 'round the bend."

Severus nodded, still being able to hear "Bueller?" through the wooden door.

McGonagall turned to leave when a silvery wolf Patronus appeared in front of the pair.

"You won't believe this Minerva! You must come to Hogsmeade immediately, there is something you must see!" Remus Lupin's voice echoed around the corridor.

Minerva and Severus exchanged looks. "I'll let you handle this one, Severus."

The cat-lady marched off to go find Albus and tell him he needed a new History teacher.

Severus gave the door one last look before chuckling and heading to Hogsmeade to see what the wolf wanted.

"Bueller?"

**LINE-BREAK**

By the time Severus arrived in Hogsmeade, the Founder's Day Parade had already started. Every year on January 19th, the Founder's Day Parade took place, with the Founder's Festival the following weekend. Each year a professor was stationed in Hogsmeade in order to catch students skipping class to go to the festivities. This year Lupin was on skipper patrol, and obviously he had something to report if he was requesting back up. It didn't take Snape long before he found the werewolf.

"What is it Lupin?" Severus grumbled.

Remus smiled. "Just follow me Severus. You won't believe your eyes."

Remus led Severus through the crowd, stopping just past a float.

"I was honestly expecting Minerva." Remus muttered absentmindedly.

"Tough, Wolf. You can deal with it. I should inform you of the situation back at the castle. Someone managed to succeed where James Bloody Potter failed." Severus snarked.

Remus started. "There are only two things James failed to do, cover the Great Hall in lemon pudding, and get rid of Binns. As you are not covered in pudding, I must assume the latter."

"Well, shake it up, baby, now  
(Shake it up, baby)  
Twist and shout  
(Twist and shout)"

"Yes Wolf, that senile ghost is spouting off 'Bueller?' in ten second intervals. You can try to reason with him, but it doesn't stick! He's completely and utterly mad!" Severus yelled.

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, baby, now  
(Come on baby)  
Come on and work it on out  
(Work it on out)" 

"Wolf, who's in charge of the music this year? It's actually tolarable." Severus snapped.

"Erm, yes Severus, that's actually why I called you. A small group of students have stolen a float and are using it to entertain." Remus sweat-dropped.

"You know you twist your little girl  
(Twist your little girl)  
You know you twist so fine  
(Twist so fine)" 

"Well, at least these students have taste. When are we going to bust 'em?"

"After their performance, may as well enjoy the music. Better then bagpipes at any rate."

"Come on and twist a little closer, now  
(Twist a little closer)  
And let me know that you're mine  
(Let me know you're mine)" 

"Fine. Who's singing then?"

"Well, shake it up, baby, now  
(Shake it up, baby)  
Twist and shout  
(Twist and shout)" 

Remus just gave him a look. "Severus, who do you think could possibly be this insane?"

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, baby, now  
(Come on baby)  
Come on and work it on out  
(Work it on out)"

"Oh Merlin, it's Potter, isn't it?"

"You know you twist your little girl  
(Twist your little girl)  
You know you twist so fine  
(Twist so fine)" 

Remus nodded. "As well as Seamus Finnigan, Dean Thomas, Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood."

"Come on and twist a little closer, now  
(Twist a little closer)  
And let me know that you're mine  
(Let me know you're mine)" 

At that moment, all of the puzzle pieces clicked for Severus. "He's recreating _Ferris Bueller's Day Off._"

"Well, shake it, shake it, shake it, baby, now  
(Shake it up baby)  
Well, shake it, shake it, shake it, baby, now  
(Shake it up baby)  
Well, shake it, shake it, shake it, baby, now  
(Shake it up baby)!"

"What's that, Severus?"

"A Muggle movie from the 80s about a kid and his friends who cut class and run around the city of Chicago."

Remus still looked slightly confused. "Okay?"

Severus pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "Potter's managed to recreate two of the most infamous scenes from the movie. His teacher saying 'Bueller?' and the Twist and Shout scene from the parade."

Remus sighed. "That makes a disturbing amount of sense."

"Let's go bust them now."

Remus nodded and went to fetch Neville and Luna, leaving Snape to retrieve the "Ferris" of the day.

Snape jumped in front of the float, throwing out his hand declaring, "STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE!"

Everything around him came to a screeching, crashing halt.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" Everyone in Hogsmeade shouted.

"You're BUSTED!"

With that, Snape grabbed his hooligans and started to drag them back to the castle, meeting Lupin and his captives near the gate.

"'Stop! In the name of love?' Really Severus?"

"Shut up, Wolf."

**LINE-BREAK**

The quintet was quickly dragged to Dumbledore's office, where they all received detention for a week. Later that night, Harry was wandering the History of Magic corridor. He pressed an ear to the door and walked away satisfied when he heard "Bueller?" come from behind the closed door.

Harry giggled madly, all they had to do was say "Here."

"Bueller?"

**LINE-BREAK**

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own Harry Potter or Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I also do Not own anything you might recognize, like Twist and Shout, Stop! In the name of love!, or any other odd reference that you might happen to catch. **

**(1): This is the actual quote Ferris Bueller says in the Twist & Shout scene. I only substituted Neville Longbottom for Cameron Fry. **

**(2): Lyrics to the Beatles song Twist & Shout.**

**A/N: I'm so, so sorry! I know I suck at updating. Thankfully, I have an idea for the next chapter already, so hopefully you guys won't have to wait another year for an update. . Stupid formatting... I hope this chapter answered you question, campanula1979!**

**This is officially, my favorite chapter to date. I had fun writing it, and it's also 11 pages long! Poor Sevvie was past his breaking point, dealing with insane students and demented ghosts and all. I know Harry and Co. aren't taking History of Magic in sixth year. Thanks for reading, and I hoped you enjoyed it! Please review!**

**~A. Rosalie**


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